TV: American Horror Story 1.9 “Spooky Little Girl” Review (*1/2)

Posted: December 1, 2011 in Reviews, Television
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There is truly nothing like American Horror Story on television. Wait, let me take that back. There is truly nothing like American Horror Story that isn’t already on Skinemax. The more I watch this show, the more I realize it’s the adolescent boy inside of me that keeps lingering on. Take Exhibit A — “Spooky Little Girl” opens with Elizabeth Short, an aspiring actress who in 1947 makes a visit to the dentist. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the funds to pay for her checkup and asks if she could pay using…alternative methods. She smiles, he winks, and the rest is history. This is not the latest film from Vivid Entertainment. No, this is your run-of-the-mill basic cable TV series on a Wednesday night. Let’s just call it like we see it. American Horror Story is glorified softcore porn.

A lot of subplots get woven together in “Spooky Little Girl,” and for the first time…the opening scene is not the center of the episode. Here’s quick rundown of what transpired here. Moira seduces Ben. Ben does not succumb. Elizabeth Short meets Ben. Elizabeth seduces Ben. Ben does not succumb. Ben realizes Vivien cheated on him. Ben gets mad at Vivien. Ben confronts police officer. Ben realizes he was wrong. Ben realizes Moira is old. Meanwhile…Constance realizes Vivien is carrying her grandchild. Constance wants to marry Travis. Travis freaks and meets Hayden. Travis screws Hayden. Travis screws Hayden again. Hayden kills Travis. MORE GHOSTS! Honestly, it’s like three months worth of Days of our Lives plus ghosts. All with very little substance or point to it all, except to offer cheap scares and scantily-dressed female ghosts.

The big plot twist doesn’t happen till the final minutes when we realize the child Vivien is carrying — the offspring between spirit and human — is the anti-Christ that will usher in the end of the world. That’s what all these filler episodes have been gearing up for. Since Vivien had sex with a ghost in a leather outfit, we’ve just been going through old ghosts and new ghosts and all of their backstory. But now, here’s the final windup towards the end. We are about to have an End of Days moment, and there’s no Arnold Schwarzenegger to save them. What’s going to happen? Does anyone watching even care anymore? Or are we just waiting to see if Ben and Vivien will cheat on each other with ghosts again? At least they made an effort to progress the story a little.

I thought of rewriting my intro, cause if you really think about it…American Horror Story is still unlike anything on television…even Skinemax. But then I just had to do a quick search for “ghosts” and “porn”…and I had dozens of results. The top three? 13 Erotic Ghosts, Erotic Ghost Whisperer, and Ghost Bangers. You can add American Horror Story as #4.

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