TV: The Office 8.15 “Tallahassee” Best Lines

Posted: February 17, 2012 in Best Lines, Television
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The Office 8.15 “Tallahassee” (***1/2) — Dwight competes with his team to get noticed by the special projects president. Andy has to take over as receptionist at the office.

“Work starts at 9. Sabre HQ is 30 minutes away driving the speed limit. Giving everyone 20 minutes to shower, plus 50 for Jim to style his hair, 20 for breakfast, 40 for Erin to get lost between the room and the lobby, 90 for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy. We’re already 20 minutes late.” — Dwight

“Why are you sleeping that way?” — Dwight
“I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.” — Erin

“Wake up. Let’s have some fun. We’re in Florida now.” — Erin
“Hey you. I’m so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water’s fine. Oh, not cool!” — Ryan

:::Jim’s Prank:::

“First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then, I’ve loved working with Pam and she’s frankly wonderful. But I hate her.” — Dwight

“The fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrhea-ing right now is alarming.” — Dwight
“Who says I’m not diarrhea-ing?” — Erin

“It’s so peaceful. I’ve already written 12 plays today.” — Creed

“Could you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work on our bare feet.” — Meredith

“Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out. I know it’s for me.” — Kelly

“You see. This cat’s got nine lives. And a nine inch…” — Packer

“Expected a man, did you? Strong. Powerful. Huge, whopping penis. Well, sorry to disappoint. But my huge, whopping penis is right here. And I’m not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts and start looking at my penis.” — Nellie

“You’ve got to stop with antacid. It’s not the antidote.” — Jim
“You didn’t poison me. It’s just stress. What is the antidote?” — Dwight
“True love’s kiss.” — Jim

“Jim, help me lower this screen. You’re a big tall man. You’d be hilarious trying to do it. Like a little boy just let go of his balloon.” — Nellie (to Ryan)

“What kind of poison did you use?” — Dwight
“I didn’t poison you. I was just kidding.” — Jim
“Yeah, I’m going to need an ambulance.” — Dwight

“I’ve spent so much of my life telling myself ‘Please, don’t end up like Stanley.’ And now I’m wondering if I even have what it takes.” — Jim

“Don’t you yack on me. This shirt is Van Heusen.” — Packer

“You need an operation. You have appendicitis.” — EMT
“Oh! Called it! Nothing but net!” — Ryan

“Look at these mini pizzas. Do they make me look huge? Hey guys, look at me. I look huge.” — Kevin

“I got my surgery. What else do I have to do?” — Dwight
“Do a hundred jumping jackets.” — Erin
“No I don’t feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jackets.” — Dwight
“I don’t feel like it either.” — Erin
“97, 98, 99.” — Erin doing jumping jacks

“You’re too slow. You’re too small. Seabiscuit is a stupid name. You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit.” — Dwight

“Shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes.” — Dwight

“During ovulation, a woman’s only goal is to get pregnant. And during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping.” — Dwight

“What are the three pillars of retail?” — Nellie
“Convenience.” — Erin
“Ingredients.” — Dwight
“Service.” — Erin
“Burgers.” — Dwight
“Building loyalty.” — Erin
“Killing royalty. Truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson’s three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia.”  — Dwight

“You are bleeding through your shirt.” — Jim
“Oops. That’s embarrassing.” — Dwight

“I met this girl. I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn’t real. Because she was ugly and I grew tired of her.” — Daryl

“Just lost four ounces of appendix. Already replaced with muscle.” — Dwight

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