Archive for March, 2012

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The Big Bang Theory “The Transporter Malfunction” (**1/2) — Raj’s parents set him up on a date and he thinks he’s found his soul-mate. Meanwhile, Penny buys Star Trek collectibles for Leonard and Sheldon, but Sheldon begins hearing Spock’s voice after he damages one of the items.

“I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins: Slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.” — Sheldon

“What a bunch of nosy O’Donnels.” — Raj

“I’m not telling. I’m Asian. I’m mysterious. Deal with it.” — Raj

“Fifty percent of marriages in divorce. But 100% of sundae bars end in happiness.” — Sheldon

“I’m not gay. If anything, I’m metrosexual.” — Raj
“What’s that?” — Mr. Koothrappali
“I like women and their skin products.” — Raj

“I want you to find me a wife.” — Raj
“A female wife?” — Mrs. Koothrappali

“Once you open the box, it loses its value.” — Leonard
“Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same speech about losing my virginity. I got to tell you. It’s a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.” — Penny

“Illogical. Dammit, Spock. You’re right!” — Sheldon

“You start out by starting to make chocolate souffle. And when it falls, you panic, quickly change the name, and viola — chocolate lava cake.” — Raj

“There’s a rumor back in Delhi that you’re, how do we say, comfortable in a Sari?” — Lakshmi

“O dear! Two suns and no sunscreen.” — Sheldon

“If I got on the Enterprise, I’m never going to leave.” — Sheldon
“Trust me. It gets old.” — Mr. Spock

“Well, I am unahppy.” — Mr. Spock
I thought where you’re from, they don’t have emotions.” — Sheldon
“I come from a factory in Taiwan.” — Mr. Spock

“Why don’t you tell your parents you want to try to find someone else, maybe one that hasn’t slept with more women than you?” — Howard

“I thought you were in favor of gay people getting married.” — Raj
“Yes. To other gay people!” — Howard
“Do you hear how homophobic you sound?” — Raj

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30 Rock 6.15 “The Shower Principle” (****) — Liz tries to put a stop to her repetitive lifestyle with a new hobby.

“I started eating the lettuce under my onion rings.” — Liz
“I started eating the onion part of my onion rings.” — Liz, a year ago
“I bought a restaurant grade onion ringer.” — Liz, 2 years ago

“Nerd alert! Nerd alert!” — Liz fake coughs, that turns into a real cough

“I think Coca-Coola brand Diet Banana Lime causes (mumbled) tongue numbness.” — Liz

“Why is all the healthy food on the top shelf today?” — Cerie

“Eyes down here, boys. I have breasts, you know?” — Hazel

“Jenna accused me of trying to destroy her because her lines didn’t have any K sounds, which she thinks is the funniest sound.” — Liz
“Oh my God. My cousin Karl crashed his car. And now he is in a coma at the Kendall Clinic.” — Pete

“I don’t need any more bad luck. Do you know how many mirrors I’ve smashed because I thought it was a blonde woman mocking me?” — Jenna

“As the doctor said to me after my Hepatitis test, “you got it, sweetheart!” — Hazel

“Meditation is a waste of time like learning French or kissing after sex.” — Jack

“I had to sign on to do a movie. 5 Dog Now 5.” — Tracy
“Gibberish.” — Liz
“No that’s just the confusing title Disney gave the 5th Snow Dogs movie. The ‘S’s are fives.” — Kenneth
“Running time: 26 minutes.” — Voiceover

“Meditation is a waste of time, time you could’ve spent reading that book he gave you on business lunches: Buffet…on Buffets.” — Jack

“Only you can stimulate my interior superior temporal gyrus.” — Jack
“Buy me a drink first.” — Liz, and hurts herself doing a self-high five

“I once pants-ed Deepak Chopra while Craig T. Nelson taped it. I don’t meditate.” — Jack

“My Johnny Choo!” — Jenna

“So you tried to kill me?” — Jenna
“Of course not. I can’t afford a third strike.” — Hazel

“Bottled water?” — Jack
“I’m not fancy like that, Jack If I get thirsty, I’ll just drink the water from lunch I saved in my cheek.” —  Hank

“I fell asleep at a Raymour and Flanigan last week and a black family tried to buy me.” — Hank

“You are the reason my life is a stagnant, monotonous hell.” — Liz
“O that reminds me. My standup tour!” — Tracy

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Community 3.13 “Digital Exploration of Interior Design” (***) — Troy and Bed build competing forts. Vice Dean Laybourne is back for Troy. Britta falls in love with “Subway”.

“You know what? I’m just going to get started with my teeth.” — Dean Pelton

“All difficult things are better like curing a disease or holding in a fart right now.” — Troy

“Britta, you’re a progressive woman of a more liberated looseness.” — Shirley

“Microphones hidden in lipstick. Lipstick hidden in microphones. And the deadliest weapon of them all: the penis fly trap.” — Pierce

“Annie, That’s what you think of me? I don’t make out with forgettable women.” — Jeff

“Top notch whoresmanship.” — Pierce

“I was going to lie there.” — Jeff
“I was going to invest in IBM in 1952. But life is full of disappointments.” — Leonard

“This pen is a microphone. It’s also a mini-flask.” — Pierce
“Did you just drink ink?” — Britta

“Great! Everyone wins, except Abed. But you know, not everyone can win.” — Dean Pelton

“I was raised in the Bay area, but I’m a father now. Subway cannot stand for that!” — Subway Representative

“Who’s Kim?” — Jeff

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South Park 16.3 “Faith Hilling” (***1/2) — Mankinds evolution begins to accelerate at a rapid and disturbing pace. Concurrently, another species on the planet is exhibiting the same drastic development. Eventually the two species will battle to the death and Faith Hilling may be humanitys only hope.

“As Faith Hilling becomes more and more popular, the question is Who will be the first to die doing it.?” — Newscaster

“Bradying is so 2000-and-late.” — Cartman

“When they pose for pictures, they should have remembered there are only three approved means: Peace sign, bunny ears, fake wiener.” — PSA

“How can we passe? We’re only in 4th grade.” — Kyle

“Taylor Swifting? What the fuck is that?” — Cartman

“Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you fucking asswipe.” — Stan

“This is what you’re doing when you play with Internet memes. You are playing with your fucking life!” — Professor Lamont

“There are two ways species evolve. Physically from genes and culturally from memes.” — Professor Lamont

“If cats are putting slices of bread on their head and taking pictures, they’re proving to be almost as intelligent as we are.” — Professor Lamont

“Bad kitty! Bad Mr. Kitty. Baaaad!” — Cartman

“Do you cats want a war? Is that what you want?” — Federal Authority
“Old Long Johnson.” — Cat

A brand new meme where people video tape themselves wearing trenchcoats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it reporting.” — Reporter.

“Go back to the 90s, FAGGOT!!!” — Drive-by Heckler

“And so in face of war, a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. The message is unclear, but it doesn’t matter as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing and republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It’s called pandering.” — Newscaster

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Happy Endings 2.20 “Big White Lies” (***) — Penny tells a white lie that drags the whole gang into a web of deception.

“Just buy a lake house already so we can stop hearing about your big black dock.” — Alex
“Al?!” — Jane
“Oh. I was supposed to say big African American dock. I’m sorry.” — Alex

“She can never have a meaningless convo like a regular person. She just keeps asking questions like she actually cares.” — Penny

“I on the other hand would love to take you out sometime. Like a lady. Like a gentleman. I would be the gentleman and you would be the lady.” — Darren

“You mean Dr. Phil.” — Jane
“Come on. It’s a PHD. Everyone calm down.” — Penny

“I’m not Janet.” — Dave
“Classic Janet.” — Alex and Brad

“Why are you worried? You are gay.” — Dave
“You know that I love low stakes classic 80s danger.” — Max

“Serbian tradition. We never know when we have to pack up and murder a populace.” — Jane

“I can’t hold a fake baby shower. That’s got to be bad luck somewhere.” — Alex

“Seeing Jane married and pregnant has made you regret turning down the world’s greatest guy.” — Daphne
“John Krasinski?” — Alex
“Dave! I always had the biggest crush on him.” — Daphne
“John Krasinski?!” — Alex

“I am not pretending I’m pregnant anymore. This is not 8th grade gym class.” — Jane

“A suit? Why does a baby need a suit? What does he have a job or something? He’s not fooling anyone. He’s a baby!” — Brad

“I’m Ellen! Oooh boy. I figure if I’m going to be a lesbian, I might as well go up to the top.” — Alex

“That means Dave and I are going to be out of the street. I’m going to have to find a trumpet and play until a local music producer discovers my talent.” — Max

“Just pretend to be straight for ten minutes and then you can go back to being gay.” — Penny
“It’s not a choice.” — Alex

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New Girl 1.18 “Fancyman Part 2” (***1/2) — Jess’s sophisticated date with Russell doesn’t go as planned. Meanwhile, Nick’s college friend visits and brings out Nick’s inner frat boy to help him get over his break-up with Julia. Winston panics when Shelby goes on a “girls” vacation and Schmidt and Cece try to keep their relationship under the covers, but one of the friends finds out their secret.

“Your house guest is urinating in the bathroom…Tony the Tiger style.” — Jess

“He’s getting a PHD in poetry.” — Nick
“That sucks for poems.” — Jess

“Most men go for the gold, which I don’t give them because I’m stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it.” — Jess

“Someone left your door open.” — Cece
Someone left your face beautiful.” — Dirk

“Hi. Hi guys. Harold. Kumar. I love you both. We can’t go to White Castle today. Just can’t do it.” — Schmidt to Cece’s breasts

“It was a pat. It was actually kind of hot. The man knows how to pat a back.” — Jess

“Girls in college…all they want you to do is tell them that their photography has potential.” — Dirk
“Don’t they want to hang out with guys their age?” — Nick
“Have you hung out with a 20-year old guy lately? Trust me. They are setting the bar very low. They haven’t even gone through their gay phase yet.” — Dirk

“All this “space” allows me opportunity to have as much sex as we want.” — Dirk

“When was the last time you had mono? Tomorrow, you’re going to say yesterday.” — Dirk

“If you’re going to seduce me, don’t dress up like my Aunt Frida at Seder.” — Schmidt

“How’s your prostate?” — Jess

“I don’t want space, okay? I don’t want anyone to have to space. I want to standing right in front of you. I want the air that you breathe to be the air directly coming out of my mouth. I want to be passing air back and forth between each other until it’s mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.” — Winston

“You can get me drunk professionally?” — College student
“Are you a cop?” — Nick

“Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?” — Jess

“Look at them. They’ve never watched Saved by the Bell and they’ve never felt pain.” — Nick

“If people find out, they’re going to have a lot of questions like ‘Cece, why are you sleeping with him’ and ‘Seriously, why?'” — Cece

“I’m so tall. I feel like a Chinese basketball player.” — Jess

“I’ve never jumped out of a moving car before. That was badass!” — Nick, jumping out of a stationary car

“It’s working because I think you’re a hottie with a body.” — Jess

“Is that your hand?” — Jess
“That’s my hand! You’re welcome.” — Dirk

“Did I just walk into the mountain. When did the hill become a mountain?” — Nick

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Unsupervised 1.10 “Youngbloods” (**) — Gary and Joel get fake ID’s so they can give blood.

“Do you wanna have an energy fight?” — Gary

“We can’t even buy a lottery ticket. You don’t think I need that money?” — Gary
“Only for college or possible charitable ventures.” — Joel

“Cried at the sight of a mailman yesterday.You know I haven’t gotten a letter in six years?” — Coach Durham
“That’s just because of your bizarre lifestyle. You live in a car.” — Principal Stark

“You want to go to a rave. You don’t even go to the music and you don’t like the dark.” — Danielle

“You got to be 18 to dance too? Oh, that’s putrid.” — Joel
“At six years old, he was the best dancer in the world. And he wasn’t allowed in the clubs that played his own music?” — Gary

“Maybe you can even adopt me. I’d be a good son. I’ll do all my homework and I’ll clean all my cuts. I won’t be bare butt on anything.” — Russ
I don’t know if I’m ready to have kids at this point in my life.” — Gary
“I just want to be tenderly hugged.” — Russ

“Hook up with Donnie.” — Megan
“Ugh. Donnie has no eyes.” — Danielle

“Darius you got to start brushing your own teeth.” — Gary
“Yeah that’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard man.” — Joel
“Maybe you all should be minding your own business.” — Darius