TV: 30 Rock 6.13 “Grandmentor” Best Lines

Posted: March 27, 2012 in Best Lines, Television
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30 Rock 6.13 “Grandmentor” (***) — Jack decides to redouble his efforts to rescue his wife from North Korea. Liz decides to mentor Hazel.

“We found that if someone is actually on NBC, they’re 4% more likely to watch it.” — Jack

“I thought you said a man should never wear pastel unless he’s a black guy on Easter.” — Liz

“As it turns out, Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles.” — Jack
“That explains all the vigils. That’s a good scam.” — Liz

“What’s your problem?” — Hazel
“My parents were technically brothers…” — Kenneth

“To keep labor costs down, all the miners there are babies. They pay them in yogurt.” — Matt Lauer

“Do  not write another step about Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television. No more Krang!” — Liz

“Then he had his way with me with his eyes.” — Hazel
“Ugh. The male gaze.” — Liz
“They’re just a bunch of gays.” — Hazel

“You listen to be Blitzer. Either CNN gets back on the Avery Jessop story or I’ll tell everyone your real name, Steel Hammerhands.” — Jack

“I want you to hire a giant to stand on the background of every scene I’m in to make me look daintier. It works. It’s why Lamar Odom married that giant Kardashian girl.” — Jenna

“Her story has everything. Blondeness. Kidnapping. A villain with an accent. It’s the perfect TV movie. I should know. I played Italian party whore in The Amanda Knox Story.” — Jenna

“You think you can push me around just because you have a penis?” — Hazel
“I definitely have a penis.” — Kenneth

“Do you have a minute or are you too busy regretting your life choices?” — Kenneth

“You can’t handle that a woman is doing your old job. What a world. I bet even Hillary Clinton has to put up with this crap with whoever was Secretary of State before her.” — Liz
“You mean Condoleeza…” — Kenneth
“Shut up.” — Liz

“Here’s a little bedroom tip. Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way when you’re done, you have a treat.” — Liz

“Would you be interested in writing the screenplay for the greatest story ever told?” — Jack
“You mean Lois Lane’s love affair with journalism? I said it.” — Liz

“The script is due on Monday.” — Jack
“Monday?! I guess I won’t be able to go to the gym this weekend.” — Liz

“I’m in a show within a show! My real name is Tracy Morgan!” — Tracy

“I posed bottomless in essence.” — Jenna

“You think I’m stupid just because my college got tipped over by those Miami Heat fans?” — Jenna

“Would a dumb person think of something amazing to say as she leaves?” — Jenna, right before she leaves

“I’m afraid that if Mr. Jordan goes to Las Vegas this weekend, he’s going to die.” — Kenneth
“I’m not hearing my own name Kenneth.” — Jenna
“So I thought you…” — Kenneth
“Oh thank God! That took forever.” — Jenna

“Now if you excuse me, I have a female condom to take out. Unless…going once?” — Jenna

“That girl was hot in that video in an early 90s kind of way.” — Tracy

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