Archive for the ‘Best Lines’ Category

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How I Met Your Mother 8.2 “Pre-Nup” (***) — After a summer of love, the gang goes through their first break -up in the fall after the idea of a pre-nup is brought up.

“The summer of 2012 was the summer of love. Barney and Quinn. Me and Victoria. Robin and Nick. Lily, Marshall and Marvin. Everyone was happy as can be. Which means there absolutely no good stories. Let’s skip ahead.” — Ted

“First of all. If you have an onion bagel, you don’t need scallion cream cheese.” — Barney

“I even lost out with the kids. Full custody! I got full custody of the kids!” — Barney’s co-worker
“Your kids are horrible.” — Barney

“Can you believe that? He wants me to sign a pre-nup!” — Quinn
“Can you believe that? She wants to read it!” — Barney

“You named lady parts?” — Ted
“Everyone does.” — Marshall
“So Lily?” — Ted
“Snap. Crackle. Pop.” — Marshall

“I was hormonal and suddenly, this primal protective mother voice came out of me. Actually, it was two voices and I seriously think one was coming from my vagina.” — Lily

“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it takes 42 inches to keep you satisfied.” — Nick

“I get turned on by myself doing news during sex.” — Robin

“It’s here to protect you…from being unappealing to me.” — Barney

“In the event of divorce, Ms. Garvey should get full custody of Mr. Stinson’s suits? Why? Would you do with them?” — Barney
“Nothing. I’d just sit around and watch them go out of style.” — Quinn
“That’s sick!” — Barney

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How I Met Your Mother 8.1 “Farhampton” (***1/2) — A little ways down the road, Ted tells the story of the moments after Victoria left her husband at the altar. Meanwhile, it is revealed to Quinn that Barney used to date Robin.

“I’d have a better time at home. It’s corn flower blue! It’s corn flower blue!” — Ted

“Got it! Man! That sonofabitch have been in there since breakfast. Robin 1, Poppy Seed 0.” — Robin

“Would you guys be my bridesmaids?” — Quinn
“We’d be honored!” — Marshall

“When you leave someone at the altar, you leave a note. It’s common courtesy!” — Ted

“I’ll tell you everything. The whole story.” — Barney
“Fine. You have one minute before I walk through that door.” — Quinn
“Uh, it’s a long story. Gonna take a little longer than a minute.” — Barney
“52 seconds.” — Quinn
“Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said ‘Oh yeah. You know she likes it dirty’ but Ted really liked her so we played ‘Have you met Ted?’ They went to dinner, he walked her home, should’ve kissed her. Didn’t. Lame. So he stole a smurf penis, went back to her place. Should’ve kissed her. Didn’t. Lame. He threw parties. They kissed on the roof. But decided to be friends. Lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding. She couldn’t go. He went alone. Met Victoria. Didn’t kiss her either. Lame. Not a great closer, Ted. But he finally kissed her. They started dating. She went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin. Lost Victoria. Ted did a rain dance. Got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up. Robin moved to Brazil. Came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous. Got a tramp stamp. Not really relevant to the story. I just like mentioning that as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin.  Ted and I stopped being friends. Ted got hit by a bus. We made up. Robin and I started dating. I got fat. Her hair fell out. We broke up. Robin dated Don. I dated Nora. Cheated on her with Robin. I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin, but not for long. Then I met you and you took my grandpa’s watch, but I fell in love with you anyway. And you let me fart in front of you. And I asked you to marry me. And you said yes. And you came over here and that’s everything. Also, I went on Price is Right and I won a dune buggy.” — Barney

“She let you fart in front of her?” — Lily

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Louie 3.2 “Telling Jokes/Set Up” (****) — Louie accidentally gets set up on a blind date. Meanwhile, he shares jokes with his two daughters at the dinner table.

“Knock knock.” — Jane
“No. You didn’t let me a minute ago.” — Louie
“Daddy, please! Knock knock.” — Jane
“Who’s there?” — Louie
“Moo.” — Jane
“Moo who?” — Louie
“I didn’t know you were crying, cow.” — Jane

“She said, who didn’t let the gorilla into the ballet? I love this joke. I have not heard this joke. This is a new joke for me. Who didn’t let the gorilla into the ballet? And she said Just the people who were in charge of that decision. Just the folks who made the assessment. I love this joke because I picture it. The whole story is in my head of people going into the movie theater, and the gorillas are not trying to make eye contact and they’re just trying to text.” — Louie

“I was talking to my daughter like this, bent over. And I realized. I’m her first asshole. I’m her first one.” — Louie

“O you don’t have children? What happened? What happened? I pulled out. I shot on the sheets. That’s what happened.” — Allan

“24. That guy has a young, nervous penis. He’s like that guy in the war movies. Any sound it makes, it goes What was that? Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” — Allan

“Babe, where’s the vodka?” — Debbie
“You drank it.” — Allan
“Oh yeah.” — Debbie

“Why didn’t you say a word during dinner?” — Debbie
“Oh, you want me to talk now? Fucking bullshit.” — Allan

“I just did you. You’re not going to do me? That’s just not fair.” — Laurie
“No, we just have different values.” — Louie

“You know how many dicks I’ve sucked that I didn’t want to suck cause I’m a good kid, cause I do what’s right. I never left anyone hanging. How dare you?” — Laurie

“Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now, goddammit. Where are the gentlemen? What is wrong with this country?” — Laurie

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Louie 3.1 “Something is Wrong” (***) — After Louie makes an impulse purchase, he gets into a motorcycle accident.

“One time, I was jerking off. This is another aging thing. I was jerking off and I looked at my penis and it was blurry.” — Louie

“She’s looking at me like “You ain’t reading shit, you dirty old…'” — Louie

“With the amount of money being poured into tits and their faces, how are old rich asshole guys not saying, I’m getting a new one. Like on the golf course going, ‘I’m going to get my new dick on Wednesday.'” — Louie

“Do you ride your bike in the city?” — Louie
“Sure.” — Motorcycle salesman
“Is it dangerous?” — Louie
“I laid a few down. I’ve got. You’ve got some of that and some of that.” — Motorcycle salesman
“O wow, more? That’s nasty.” — Louie
“I’m still walking down. I got a permanent limp, but I’m walking.” — Motorcycle salesman
“That’s crazy. I can’t be doing none of that. I got kids. How much is that bike?” — Louie
“This one is 75.” — Motorcycle salesman
“$7,500? That’s it.” — Louie
“That’s it. You get 45 miles to the gallon. You can park it anywhere.” — Motorcycle salesman
“So it’s actually smart to buy a motorcycle.” — Louie

“Are we after midnight or before midnight right now?” — Louie

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Parks and Recreation 4.22 “Win, Lose, or Draw” (***1/2) — It’s election day in Pawnee, and Leslie and Bobby Newport are separated by a razor-thin margin. While everyone waits for the race to be called, they ponder their futures and new opportunities.

“You can’t vote for yourself, Leslie. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.” — Bobby

:::Bobby Newport giggling at furry boom mic:::

“Several times. And then several more times. And a couple more times. And then, one more time.” — Chris
“How long has this been going on?” — Ann
“Oh. This just happened last night.” — Chris

“First of all, you did the right thing by hiding under this table.” — Andy

“I’ve been playing Xbox for years. I’m really good at fixing it when it freezes. I know exactly what to do.” Andy, who then blows at the monitor

“I’m going to go vote. Just fulfill lifelong dream of mine and achieve one of my all-time happiest moments. Real quick. And then we will talk about it.” — Leslie

“It’s not Bobby Newhart that’s going to beat me. It’s Brandi Maxxx, the porn star. What is this, Italy?” — Leslie

“Great form! Maybe. I have no idea what I’m doing.” — Ann

“Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets.” — Ron

:::Ben Wyatt’s reaction to alcohol:::

“I have an update with new information!” — Perd

“Why are you laughing?” — Ben
“Because my dream is dead. Hahahahahahaha. Fuck.” — Leslie

“Man, this is stressful. I picked the wrong weak to do a juice cleanse.” — Tom

“Good job, me.” — Andy

“Jerry forgot to vote.” — Ron
“Dammit, Jerry.” — Leslie

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Parks and Recreation 4.21 “Bus Tour” (***) — Leslie goes on a bus tour for the final day of her campaign and is caught off guard when an important person in Pawnee passes away.

“Leslie Knope was attacked by a pie. Luckily, it only hit Jerry so no damage was done.” — Andy

“If you are watching, perpetrator. Just know, that you are still at large.” — Andy

“If I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.” — Chris

“Everybody says they care about the issues. But at the end of the day, all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.” — Ben

“Anything less would be a classless move, on par with spray painting nipples on The Lincoln Memorial.” — Jennifer

“Ann, there is nothing harder than saying no to your beautiful face, but i’m going to. NO!” — Leslie

“If I’m alone with my thoughts, my mind goes to a dark place.” — Chris
“First of all, dark places are awesome.” — April

“You’re not alone. You’ve got lots of friends…somewhere. I assume.” — April

“What about you, Mr. A Man’s Word is Sacred?” — Bill
“Well, it is. But you’re an asshole.” — Ron

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Parks and Recreation 4.20 “The Debate” (***1/2) — Leslie Knope faces off against Bobby Newport at the debate. Meanwhile, Chris, Tom, and Ann handle the spin room in the back amid some relational tension. The rest of the gang host a fundraiser at Andy and Ann’s house.

“If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.” — Chris

“I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.” — Ron
“And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances.” — April

“I’m trying to clean up for the party. But I swear to God. My arms can’t move that way.” — April

“I just heard those words come out of my life and I have made a decision.” — Chris

“We like to dabble. Recently, I invested some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left those at Wendy’s on the way home. So, the economy.” — Andy
:::Andy and April do a rich laugh:::

“You are here because you gave us money. Now, we will give you ribs. Also, you will watch the debate. If you like the debate, you will give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.” — Ron

“Aw. Someone forgot to pay the cable bill. Am I right? It was me.” — Andy

“Just like Leslie, I know what it feels like to be in a room full of men.” — Brandi Maxxx, Porn Star

“This question about public safety comes from Twitter because apparently, that’s something that happens now.” — Joan

“I’m against crime and I’m not ashamed to admit it.” — Bobby

“By the looks of this guy, we’re not talking about consensual sex.” — Andy

“I have an update on your time allotment, and that update is that your time almost gone.” — Perd

“By the end of 2013, we will have a fully operational mall on Jupiter.” — Bobby

“Holy shit, Leslie. That was awesome.” — Bobby