FILM: Underworld: Awakening Review (*1/2)

Posted: January 23, 2012 in Film, Reviews
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Underworld: Awakening is the latest installment of a series for adults still shrouding their Twilight fandom in the closet. There are vampires and werewolves and silly humans who try to get in the way. But above all, these types of movies are made for moviegoers who desire no sound narrative, any credible acting, or an inch of direction. The entire film is tinted with a dreary, vampiric blue — a fitting background for a soulless 90-minute experience.

We pick up where we left off in Underworld: Evolution, finding Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and Michael escaping “the purge” from the humans. Caught and trapped in cryogenic suspension, Selene wakes up a dozen years later alone in a foreign world. In an attempt to find the truth (and score another box-office-success story), Selene is straight kicking ass leather-clad and all. Directors Mans Marlind and Bjorn Stein collaborate to send Beckinsale driving her spear one way and her teeth another way. It’s all non-stop action to divert us from a few truths. This movie is nonsensical. This movie is unnecessary. And worst of all, this movie is boring.

Awakening is not complex or confusing in the least. But whatever the plot is, I’m not sure I care anymore. Some vampires are good, some bad. Some werewolves and humans too. The one constant is our lead. It’s a game of follow the bouncing Beckinsale without the catchy music or audience participation. She throws a punch here. Yawn. She makes a roundhouse kick there. Snore. She struts her stuff and wins. Zzzzz.

Beckinsale and the rest of the players here always look unenthused, panting at the screen as if they were saying “Look, I really need the money here, okay? And thanks for the extra 3D cash.” But can I really blame them. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four times….DAMMIT.


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