TV: Enlightened Season 2 — Trailer

TV: House of Cards — Trailer

TV: How I Met Your Mother 8.1 “Pre-Nup” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 8.2 “Pre-Nup” (***) — After a summer of love, the gang goes through their first break -up in the fall after the idea of a pre-nup is brought up.

“The summer of 2012 was the summer of love. Barney and Quinn. Me and Victoria. Robin and Nick. Lily, Marshall and Marvin. Everyone was happy as can be. Which means there absolutely no good stories. Let’s skip ahead.” — Ted

“First of all. If you have an onion bagel, you don’t need scallion cream cheese.” — Barney

“I even lost out with the kids. Full custody! I got full custody of the kids!” — Barney’s co-worker
“Your kids are horrible.” — Barney

“Can you believe that? He wants me to sign a pre-nup!” — Quinn
“Can you believe that? She wants to read it!” — Barney

“You named lady parts?” — Ted
“Everyone does.” — Marshall
“So Lily?” — Ted
“Snap. Crackle. Pop.” — Marshall

“I was hormonal and suddenly, this primal protective mother voice came out of me. Actually, it was two voices and I seriously think one was coming from my vagina.” — Lily

“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it takes 42 inches to keep you satisfied.” — Nick

“I get turned on by myself doing news during sex.” — Robin

“It’s here to protect you…from being unappealing to me.” — Barney

“In the event of divorce, Ms. Garvey should get full custody of Mr. Stinson’s suits? Why? Would you do with them?” — Barney
“Nothing. I’d just sit around and watch them go out of style.” — Quinn
“That’s sick!” — Barney

TV: How I Met Your Mother 8.1 “Farhampton” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 8.1 “Farhampton” (***1/2) — A little ways down the road, Ted tells the story of the moments after Victoria left her husband at the altar. Meanwhile, it is revealed to Quinn that Barney used to date Robin.

“I’d have a better time at home. It’s corn flower blue! It’s corn flower blue!” — Ted

“Got it! Man! That sonofabitch have been in there since breakfast. Robin 1, Poppy Seed 0.” — Robin

“Would you guys be my bridesmaids?” — Quinn
“We’d be honored!” — Marshall

“When you leave someone at the altar, you leave a note. It’s common courtesy!” — Ted

“I’ll tell you everything. The whole story.” — Barney
“Fine. You have one minute before I walk through that door.” — Quinn
“Uh, it’s a long story. Gonna take a little longer than a minute.” — Barney
“52 seconds.” — Quinn
“Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said ‘Oh yeah. You know she likes it dirty’ but Ted really liked her so we played ‘Have you met Ted?’ They went to dinner, he walked her home, should’ve kissed her. Didn’t. Lame. So he stole a smurf penis, went back to her place. Should’ve kissed her. Didn’t. Lame. He threw parties. They kissed on the roof. But decided to be friends. Lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding. She couldn’t go. He went alone. Met Victoria. Didn’t kiss her either. Lame. Not a great closer, Ted. But he finally kissed her. They started dating. She went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin. Lost Victoria. Ted did a rain dance. Got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up. Robin moved to Brazil. Came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous. Got a tramp stamp. Not really relevant to the story. I just like mentioning that as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin.  Ted and I stopped being friends. Ted got hit by a bus. We made up. Robin and I started dating. I got fat. Her hair fell out. We broke up. Robin dated Don. I dated Nora. Cheated on her with Robin. I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin, but not for long. Then I met you and you took my grandpa’s watch, but I fell in love with you anyway. And you let me fart in front of you. And I asked you to marry me. And you said yes. And you came over here and that’s everything. Also, I went on Price is Right and I won a dune buggy.” — Barney

“She let you fart in front of her?” — Lily

TV: American Horror Story Season 2 — Trailer

TV: Homeland Season 2 — Trailer

TV: 2012 Emmy Nominations

Best Drama
“Boardwalk Empire”
“Breaking Bad”
“Downton Abbey”
“Mad Men”
“Homeland”
“Game of Thrones”

Best Actor — Drama
Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire”
Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall, “Dexter”
Damien Lewis, “Homeland”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Timothy Olyphant, “Justified”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Hugh Bonneville, “Downton Abbey”

Best Supporting Actor — Drama
Peter Dinklage — “Game of Thrones”
Giancarlo Esposito — “Breaking Bad”
Jared Harris — “Mad Men”
Brendan Coye, “Downton Abbey”
Jim Carter, “Downton Abbey”
Aaron Paul — “Breaking Bad”

Best Supporting Actress — Drama
Archie Punjabi, “The Good Wife”
Anna Gunn, “Breaking Bad”
Maggie Smith, “Downton Abbey”
Joanne Froggat, “Downton Abbey”
Christina Hendrix, “Mad Men”
Christine Baranski, “Good Wife”

Best Actress — Drama
Claire Danes — “Homeland”
Julianna Margulies — “The Good Wife”
Elisabeth Moss — “Mad Men”
Kathy Bates, “Harry’s Law”
Glenn Close, “Damges”
Michelle Dockery, “Downton Abby”

Best Comedy
“Girls,”
“Modern Family,”
“30 Rock,”
“Veep,”
“The Big Bang Theory”
“Curb Your Enthusiasm”

Best Actress — Comedy
Tina Fey — “30 Rock”
Lena Dunham — “Girls”
Zooey Deschanel, “New Girl”
Julia Louis Dreyfus — “Veep”
Amy Poehler — “Parks and Recreation”
Melissa McCarthy, “Mike and Molly”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”

Best Actor — Comedy
Don Cheadle — “House of Lies”
Louis C.K. — “Louie”
Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men”
Larry David, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”
Jim Parsons, “Big Bang Theory”
Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”

Best Supporting Actress — Comedy
Miayim Balik, “Big Bang Theory”
Meritt Weaver, “Nurse Jackie”
Julie Bowen, “Modern Family”
Kristen Wiig, “Saturday Night Live”
Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”
Kathryn Joosten, “Desperate Housewives”

Best Supporting Actor — Comedy
Max Greenfield, “New Girl”
Bill Hader, “Saturday NIght Live”
Ed O’Neill, “Modern Family”
Ty Burrell, “Modern Family”
Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family”
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, “Modern Family”

Best Television Movie or Miniseries
“Sherlock”
“Hemingay and Gelhorn”
“American Horror Story”
“Luther”
“Hatfields and McCoys”
“Game Change”

Lead Actress — TV Movie or Miniseries
Julianne Moore, “Game Change”
Nicole Kidman, “Hemingway and Gelhorn”
Connie Britton, “American Horror Story”
Ashley Judd, “Missing”
Emma Thompson, “The Song of Lunch”

Lead Actor — TV Movie or Miniseries
Woody Harrelson, “Game Change”
Clive Owen, “Hemingway and Gelhorn”
Benedict Cumberbatch, “Sherlock”
Idris Elba, “Luther”
Kevin Costner, “Hatfields & McCoys”
Bill Paxton, “Hatfields & McCoys”

TV: Treme Season 3 — Trailer

TV: Louie 3.2 “Telling Jokes/Set Up” Best Lines

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Louie 3.2 “Telling Jokes/Set Up” (****) — Louie accidentally gets set up on a blind date. Meanwhile, he shares jokes with his two daughters at the dinner table.

“Knock knock.” — Jane
“No. You didn’t let me a minute ago.” — Louie
“Daddy, please! Knock knock.” — Jane
“Who’s there?” — Louie
“Moo.” — Jane
“Moo who?” — Louie
“I didn’t know you were crying, cow.” — Jane

“She said, who didn’t let the gorilla into the ballet? I love this joke. I have not heard this joke. This is a new joke for me. Who didn’t let the gorilla into the ballet? And she said Just the people who were in charge of that decision. Just the folks who made the assessment. I love this joke because I picture it. The whole story is in my head of people going into the movie theater, and the gorillas are not trying to make eye contact and they’re just trying to text.” — Louie

“I was talking to my daughter like this, bent over. And I realized. I’m her first asshole. I’m her first one.” — Louie

“O you don’t have children? What happened? What happened? I pulled out. I shot on the sheets. That’s what happened.” — Allan

“24. That guy has a young, nervous penis. He’s like that guy in the war movies. Any sound it makes, it goes What was that? Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” — Allan

“Babe, where’s the vodka?” — Debbie
“You drank it.” — Allan
“Oh yeah.” — Debbie

“Why didn’t you say a word during dinner?” — Debbie
“Oh, you want me to talk now? Fucking bullshit.” — Allan

“I just did you. You’re not going to do me? That’s just not fair.” — Laurie
“No, we just have different values.” — Louie

“You know how many dicks I’ve sucked that I didn’t want to suck cause I’m a good kid, cause I do what’s right. I never left anyone hanging. How dare you?” — Laurie

“Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now, goddammit. Where are the gentlemen? What is wrong with this country?” — Laurie

TV: Louie 3.1 “Something is Wrong” Best Lines

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Louie 3.1 “Something is Wrong” (***) — After Louie makes an impulse purchase, he gets into a motorcycle accident.

“One time, I was jerking off. This is another aging thing. I was jerking off and I looked at my penis and it was blurry.” — Louie

“She’s looking at me like “You ain’t reading shit, you dirty old…'” — Louie

“With the amount of money being poured into tits and their faces, how are old rich asshole guys not saying, I’m getting a new one. Like on the golf course going, ‘I’m going to get my new dick on Wednesday.'” — Louie

“Do you ride your bike in the city?” — Louie
“Sure.” — Motorcycle salesman
“Is it dangerous?” — Louie
“I laid a few down. I’ve got. You’ve got some of that and some of that.” — Motorcycle salesman
“O wow, more? That’s nasty.” — Louie
“I’m still walking down. I got a permanent limp, but I’m walking.” — Motorcycle salesman
“That’s crazy. I can’t be doing none of that. I got kids. How much is that bike?” — Louie
“This one is 75.” — Motorcycle salesman
“$7,500? That’s it.” — Louie
“That’s it. You get 45 miles to the gallon. You can park it anywhere.” — Motorcycle salesman
“So it’s actually smart to buy a motorcycle.” — Louie

“Are we after midnight or before midnight right now?” — Louie

TV: Parks and Recreation 4.22 “Win, Lose, or Draw” Best Lines

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Parks and Recreation 4.22 “Win, Lose, or Draw” (***1/2) — It’s election day in Pawnee, and Leslie and Bobby Newport are separated by a razor-thin margin. While everyone waits for the race to be called, they ponder their futures and new opportunities.

“You can’t vote for yourself, Leslie. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.” — Bobby

:::Bobby Newport giggling at furry boom mic:::

“Several times. And then several more times. And a couple more times. And then, one more time.” — Chris
“How long has this been going on?” — Ann
“Oh. This just happened last night.” — Chris

“First of all, you did the right thing by hiding under this table.” — Andy

“I’ve been playing Xbox for years. I’m really good at fixing it when it freezes. I know exactly what to do.” Andy, who then blows at the monitor

“I’m going to go vote. Just fulfill lifelong dream of mine and achieve one of my all-time happiest moments. Real quick. And then we will talk about it.” — Leslie

“It’s not Bobby Newhart that’s going to beat me. It’s Brandi Maxxx, the porn star. What is this, Italy?” — Leslie

“Great form! Maybe. I have no idea what I’m doing.” — Ann

“Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets.” — Ron

:::Ben Wyatt’s reaction to alcohol:::

“I have an update with new information!” — Perd

“Why are you laughing?” — Ben
“Because my dream is dead. Hahahahahahaha. Fuck.” — Leslie

“Man, this is stressful. I picked the wrong weak to do a juice cleanse.” — Tom

“Good job, me.” — Andy

“Jerry forgot to vote.” — Ron
“Dammit, Jerry.” — Leslie

TV: Parks and Recreation 4.21 “Bus Tour” Best Lines

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Parks and Recreation 4.21 “Bus Tour” (***) — Leslie goes on a bus tour for the final day of her campaign and is caught off guard when an important person in Pawnee passes away.

“Leslie Knope was attacked by a pie. Luckily, it only hit Jerry so no damage was done.” — Andy

“If you are watching, perpetrator. Just know, that you are still at large.” — Andy

“If I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.” — Chris

“Everybody says they care about the issues. But at the end of the day, all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.” — Ben

“Anything less would be a classless move, on par with spray painting nipples on The Lincoln Memorial.” — Jennifer

“Ann, there is nothing harder than saying no to your beautiful face, but i’m going to. NO!” — Leslie

“If I’m alone with my thoughts, my mind goes to a dark place.” — Chris
“First of all, dark places are awesome.” — April

“You’re not alone. You’ve got lots of friends…somewhere. I assume.” — April

“What about you, Mr. A Man’s Word is Sacred?” — Bill
“Well, it is. But you’re an asshole.” — Ron

TV: Parks and Recreation 4.20 “The Debate” Best Lines

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Parks and Recreation 4.20 “The Debate” (***1/2) — Leslie Knope faces off against Bobby Newport at the debate. Meanwhile, Chris, Tom, and Ann handle the spin room in the back amid some relational tension. The rest of the gang host a fundraiser at Andy and Ann’s house.

“If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.” — Chris

“I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.” — Ron
“And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances.” — April

“I’m trying to clean up for the party. But I swear to God. My arms can’t move that way.” — April

“I just heard those words come out of my life and I have made a decision.” — Chris

“We like to dabble. Recently, I invested some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left those at Wendy’s on the way home. So, the economy.” — Andy
:::Andy and April do a rich laugh:::

“You are here because you gave us money. Now, we will give you ribs. Also, you will watch the debate. If you like the debate, you will give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.” — Ron

“Aw. Someone forgot to pay the cable bill. Am I right? It was me.” — Andy

“Just like Leslie, I know what it feels like to be in a room full of men.” — Brandi Maxxx, Porn Star

“This question about public safety comes from Twitter because apparently, that’s something that happens now.” — Joan

“I’m against crime and I’m not ashamed to admit it.” — Bobby

“By the looks of this guy, we’re not talking about consensual sex.” — Andy

“I have an update on your time allotment, and that update is that your time almost gone.” — Perd

“By the end of 2013, we will have a fully operational mall on Jupiter.” — Bobby

“Holy shit, Leslie. That was awesome.” — Bobby

TV: Breaking Bad Season 5 — Trailer

FILM/TV: Weekend News Links

Arnold Schwarzenegger confirms he’s doing a Twins sequel. Part of me (all of me) hopes they replace Devito with Tyrion Lannister (Deadline)

Kick-Ass 2 could be starting up soon, according to McLovin. He plans to receive payback for all the police equipment in broke with Rogen and Hader. (Huffington Post)

Daniel Radcliff has signed on to star in Horns. I guess — all those crazies were right. Harry Potter is the devil. (Variety)

Jessical Biel is set to play the villainous viper in The Wolverine sequel. I always didn’t like her in 7th Heaven (Indiewire)

Ken Jeong is set for an extended role in The Hangover 3. I’m not sure if they’re referring to his consistent portrayal of Ken Jeong’s penis. (The Hollywood Reporter)

Sylvester Stallone’s son was found dead yesterday. RIP. (NY Post)

TV: 30 Rock 6.22 “What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year?” Best Lines

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30 Rock 6.22 “What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year?” (***) — Jack and Avery renew vows, while Criss tries to prove to Liz that he’s the one.

“That’s where Van Der Beek and I step in.” — Criss
“You named your van after the guy from Dawson’s Creek?” — Liz
“I’ve seen everything he’s ever been in except for that.” — Criss

“Hey! I don’t bail. I am still watching Smash, Criss.” — Liz

“Obviously I can’t go to a homeless shelter. Those people can be a little sexually conservative for my taste.” — Hazel

“What Bill O’Reilly erotic novel are you living in?” — Liz

“I get your Yankees tickets on A-Rod bobblehead day. And I’m going to throw that thing in front of a train. Go Phillies!” — Liz

“I’m kind of between tuxes due to weight fluctuation.” — Tracy

“I know a little bit about suffering because I work out a lot. I think we have a clip.” — News Anchor

“You don’t have a place to live? Where will wait patiently in the dark while you wait for the next day to start I mean sleep” — Kenneth

“I don’t mean it. I nice it.” — Kenneth

“I’d admire if you if you weren’t brunette.” — Jenna
“I’m a natural blonde.” — Hazel
“That’s insane!” — Jenna

“Who were your black role models growing up?” — Dr. Cornell West
“Darth Vader.  Ninjas. Some black licorice I tried to make into shape of my dad.” — Tracy

“One day we may love while tapping. It was beautiful. No butt stuff.” — Scott

“To quote George W. Bush, Lemon, bring em on. He said that to me in Galveston when a bus load of drunk debutantes tried to get on his boat. It was named Mr. Waterboat. Did it sink? Yes. Because there were too many people on it. But the spirit of his words live on.” — Jack

“And to think I thought Hazel was a bitch! Friendly and loyal like a female dog. She isn’t a bitch. She’s a meanie pants.” — Kenneth

“It’s Tyler Perry. From now on, my movies will be produced, written, directed, and seen exclusively by African Americans.” — Tracy

“I played Avery Jessup in Kidnapped by Danger now available on Sega Genesis.” — Jenna

“You said baby instead of plant. Now say mancave.” — Criss

“We are thinking about having a baby. Together. That will emerge from my vagina. Or a Chinese vagina.” — Liz

“Any child would be lucky to have to be the mother it loves, then hates for a few years, then loves again, then half-heartedly defends to its spouse, then puts in a home.” — Jack

“Don’t overthink the names. Stick to kings and queens of England. There’ll never be a President Ashton or Dr. Katniss or non-sexually confused Lorne. Number 2.” — Jack

TV: 30 Rock 6.21 “The Return of Avery Jessup” Best Lines

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30 Rock 6.21 “The Return of Avery Jessup” (***) — Avery returns from North Korea with a stranger in tow; Liz and Criss struggle with their gender roles.

“Sorry I taste like Korean cigarettes. Tobacco is the only thing with protein over there. Their meat is just deflated Kibbles.” — Avery

“If it’s a nursery, then you can hear the baby. Or a plant. It’s your body.” — Criss

“I could dip into my 401(k) is something I hear old people saying in commercials.” — Liz

“Who sponsored your wedding?” — Jenna
“I don’t know. There was a lot of Fanta and the police. So maybe they co-sponsored it?” — Tracy

“Leonardi, my hair psychic, is always saying how down to earth I am.” — Jenna

“They’re paying for me and Paul to get married on an old plantation, which is great because our wedding was going to be slavery-themed anyway.” — Jenna

“It’s only a dream wedding? Thank God! I did not want to attend.” — Tracy

“Not much was changed. There’s an iPad 3. And a Mitt Romney 4. They worked all the bugs out. He’s not killing hobos at night anymore.” — Jack

“I didn’t wear your nightgowns. If they seem stretched out, it’s because you’re remembering wrong.” — Jack

“I’ve been writing a sex column for Cosmo. Cosmo is my 14-year old neighbor. He doesn’t know anything.” — Jenna

“Sex. Money. Power. Fire. Choking. Being dragged behind a speed boat. It’s all the same thing.” — Jenna

“Paul keeps the house nice. And I try to get him pregnant.” — Jenna

“You wear the pants, Liz! You don’t necessary pull it off because of the hips, but you wear them!” — Jenna

“An hour for the year? Am I supposed to just scratch the surface of Channing Tatum’s meteoric rise?” — Liz

“She’s still furious with Al Gore for George Bush’s idea to have an internet.” — Jack

“You French-Canadian kissed her mother, which is my name of French kissing when it bums everyone out.” — Liz

“I’m classy.” — Jenna
“People who say that about themselves usually are.” — Tracy

“I thought you liked the Criss point system.” — Liz
“Only because liking the Criss point system is one of the ways I earn Criss points!” — Criss

“You’re the one that wanted to sell hot dogs out of a car.” — Liz
“It is a van with a car engine.” — Criss

“He’s probably named Spencer or Grant and he has a watch and an office and a trashcan and a little basketball hoop on it and he plays as hard as he works. Because dammit, he deserves to blow off a little steam.” — Criss
“God! I don’t want to be with Spencer.” — Liz
“And yet you’re silent about Grant.” — Criss

” I wanna throw a Natty Lite at a cop car!” — Jenna

“That is not what I suggested. You just hear what you want to hear.” — Liz
“O thank you. They’re from Italy.” — Jack

“She has the brain of a man and the ass of a French teenager.” — Jack

“Fine! I promised myself I wouldn’t mutter as I walked away.” — Liz (voiceover)

“They thought they were fancy even though they were secretly crap. That’s it! That’s who I am. I’m that knockout designer shoe. My outside is shiny and pretty. But my inside is filled with cardboard and horse glue.” — Jack

“Tonight I’m Mayor Boomberg. Boo! Boo!” — Mayor Bloomberg

“I had an erotic dream about an adult Dora the Explorer.” — Jack

“That’s what we’re going to do. Renew our vows.” — Jack
“We need a new blender anyway.” — Avery

TV: 30 Rock 6.20 “Queen of Jordan 2: The Mystery of the Phantom Pooper” Best Lines

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30 Rock 6.20 “Queen of Jordan 2: The Mystery of the Phantom Pooper” (***) — Angie’s reality show returns, while Jack and Diana await Avery’s arrival.

“It’s called Chic (Cheek). It’s French.” — Angie

“Cheek is stretchable formal wear for elegant plus size women and huskier gays.” — Angie

“We were able to arrange a prisoner swap next week. In exchange for myw ife,t hey get their spy back, a creative Hollister sweatshirt and a signed hedge out of Don Johnson. They just got Nash Bridges.” — Jack

“I hope that you guys at Bravo. Excuse me, gays at Bravo.” — Jack

“Not to be racist, but white guys are typically punctual. I’m sorry I got so real.” — Tracy

“I’ve never been so disrespected in my life. And I’ve gone to and worked at the post office.” — Angie

“Hey girlfriend! Looks like you need a girlfriend.” — Jenna
“I have a girlfriend. Her name is Raven Simone Sr.” — Angie

“I know they’re not married. I just want them to know I don’t give a fuck about their lives.” — Angie

“Don’t learn to talk. A woman’s power comes from her silence.” — Randi (talking to a baby)

“Contractually, I can only hold beautiful black babies in Benetton ads.” — Cerie

“O my god. Ned Stark is dead?!” — Grizz

“I love my wife. I want her to be happy. But more than that, I want to do nothing. It’s hard trying to have it all.” — Tracy

“That is a bridge too far. That’s right, I read WWII history, motherfucker.” — Angie

“Never talk about a black woman’s leg size. Not on babies. Not on the Williams sisters. Not on a mannequin at Avenue.” — D’Fwan

“D’Fawn doesn’t talk about people behind their back, so I’m going to tell you straight to your face. What you’re saying right now is very boring.” — D’Fwan

“Liz is shady.” — Virginia (the baby)

“This is good TV. I would watch this. I feel bad for Liz.” — Liz

“I wouldn’t know. I really don’t watch TV. I’m more of a masturbator.” — Tracy

“You have no class, you prostitution whore.” — Jenna

“They want me! Which means I’m too good for this crap.” — Jenna

“I was my grandmother’s favorite. So I got all her hand-me-downs.” — Kenneth

“What’s cocaine like?” — Kenneth

“Honey, what was that? Mmph.” — D’Fwan

“I hope you’re at peace with your god Tracy Jordan because you’re about to meet your maker.” — Angie
“Honey. You seem upset.” — Tracy

“You again?! I am so sorry. Different cord.” — Kenneth
“That’s racist.” — Cord

TV: 30 Rock 6.19 “Live From Studio 6H” Best Lines

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30 Rock 6.19 “Live From Studio 6H” (***1/2) — In another live edition of the show, TGS debates on whether its own show should stop going live.

“Do you really love the over-zealous studio audience who will applaud at anything, here in the greatest city on Earth, New York. Baby. What’s up!” — Jack

“From now on, you write and film the whole season in two weeks. Like Wheel of Fortune or Fox News.” — Jack

“Best prom night ever. I’m going to lose my virginity in 9 years.” — Young Liz

“My way is cheaper and you only have to work two weeks a year.” — Jack
“I want to go to there.” — Liz

“Unlike the wildfires I’ve started, this one doesn’t sexually arouse me.” — Hazel

“Mr. Jordan just discovered you can get pornography on the Internet.” — Kenneth
“O my god. He’s going to die in there.” — Liz

“12 Angry Men is preposterous, Kenneth. 11 decent Americans are getting swayed by Jane Fonda’s father?” — Jack

“Next stop. Hollywood, Florida to get the car from my mom. Next stop. California Pizza Kitchen to tell my old boss Nadine to suck it. Next stop. Tinseltown because Christmas decorations are really cheap this time of year.” — Hazel

“Growing bones need tar to hold them together.” — Dr. Leo Spacemen

“Did you pick up the ring?” — Jenna
“Liza Manelli’s baby tooth surrounded by rubies that passed through a terrified Michael Kors.” — Paul

“I may  have a wig and a dress and a gynecologist. But I am a man.” — Paul

“We have a great show or at least that’s what the Jews tell me.” — Joey Montero

“I slept like a baby last night. I woke up with a boob stuck in my mouth.” — Joey Montero

“Glamour. Excitement. What we today would call alcoholism.” — Kenneth

“NBC hired one African-American and one Caucasian because they thought two black people on the same show would make the audience nervous. A rule NBC still uses today.” — Kenneth

“Television replaced radio. Cars replaced horses.” — Liz
“Not where I’m from. Are you telling me the mayor of your hometown is a car? You’re pretty weird.” — Kenneth

“Recent studies have show that while pregnancy is disgusting, babies do not need tar or nicotine.” — Dr. Leo Spaceman

“O my god, Kenneth. It’s my period. It’s uh gonna blow.” Liz
“We both know you’re not due for another nine days.” — Kenneth

“Listen doll, you’re not making any sense. You’re probably hysterical from menstruation. Go lie down and make sure you get plenty of iron. Maybe eat a ham salad.” — Chet

“You have a dynamite shape. But you’re going to have to shut up and let a man tell us what’s happening. Now, is your father or a policeman nearby?” — David

“While they never found Jaime Garnett, that woman who stole his microphone went on to become a wife.” — Kenneth

“This is New York state, bitch. Anyone can marry anything now.” — Hazel

“How could I have been so blind?” — Jenna
“Because you’re a horrible person.” — Hazel
“Thank you. Just portion control and lots of water.” — Jenna

“My coccyx! It’s not funny. coccyx is the scientific term for your butt bone.” — Young Tracy

“To make it more profitable, we just need to do more sponsored product placement.” — Jack
“You should do it with the upcoming Warner Bros. movie Rock of Ages based on the hit Broadway musical rocking to a theater near you June 15. Tom Cruise sings!” — Liz

“I want to marry because of you and so you can’t testify against me in court.” — Jenna

TV: The Office 8.24 “Free Family Portrait Studio” Best Lines

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The Office 8.24 “Free Family Portrait Studio” (*1/2) — Andy tries to take back the company. Dwight tries to prove Angela’s child is his.

“I first thought muffin baskets. But then I thought: what’s even more precious than muffins? Their own children.” — Dwight

“I found out where he got his clothes dry cleaned, custom ordered the same suit made with tearaway velcro and you can fill in the rest. Now, he’s trying to get me to bring my children into work. I think it’s fair to be cautious.” — Jim

“What flavor is that?” — Daryl
“Coconut penis.” —
“The coconut is very subtle.” — Daryl

“When I finally do give in, I would go crazy on myself.” — Daryl

“O. How the mediocre have fallen.” — Gabe

“Good good. This carpet is overdue for a mopping.” — Creed

“Happy birthday to Gabe!” — Gabe
“Get out, skeleton man.” — Nellie

“Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.” — Dwight

“You’re better than this. Everyone is better than this because this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” — Robert

“Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the Bard card.” — Andy

“I just want motherfucking delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?” — Andy

“Special projects manager. That’s my background. I just go around doing whatever I want.” — Nellie