TV: New Girl 1.11 “Jess and Julia” Best Lines

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New Girl 1.11 “Jess and Julia” (***1/2) — Nick’s new Lawyer girlfriend Julia helps Jess fight a traffic ticket, but it results in a fight between the two girls. Meanwhile, Winston runs into an ex-lover of his. New Girl is such an infectious, cute little comedy that continues to impress.

“There are tampons hidden all over the apartment.” — Jess

“There should not be two girls in this bathroom. They’re too humid. They make everything damp.” — Schmidt

“You’re not labeling it because you’re too sophisticated.” — Jess
“Stop doing your sophisticated guy.” — Nick

“I told you to get yourself whatever you wanted. You chose water.” — Winston

“Those big beautiful eyes. Like a scared baby! I’m sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.” — Julia
“Except my peripheral vision is almost too good.” — Jess

“Schmidt is like Ellis Island in the 1800s. He accepts everyone.” — Jess

“She has a problem with me. Nick, your girlfriend is not a dessert person!” — Jess

“I’m going to put my dehumidifier and my towel in my room, where nothing ever gets wet.” — Schmidt

“She told him she didn’t want to label it.” — Jess
“That’s a classic move even in the lesbian community.” — Sadie
:::Schmidt runs out:::
“What are we talking about?” — Schmidt
“Did you just hear the words ‘lesbian community’ and come running out of your room?” — Sadie

“You have the most game because for years, you’ve been working with absolutely nothing.” — Winston

“Oh, you guys are using names? That’s not too labelly for you?” — Jess

“I’m having sex all the time. I’m like a mailman, except instead of mail…it’s hot sex I deliver.” — Nick
“I had to start athletic shoes in my purse. Because I have sprint from one sexual encounter to another. Can’t wear heels.” — Julia
“Well, I’m having sex right now under the bar. And she’s on top. So figure that out. Ow Ow.” — Nick

“I don’t act like Teddy Ruxbin.” — Jess

“Can you leave, please? Because I’m about to start crying and you are the last person that I want to cry in front of.” — Julia
“I want to cry too, and where am I supposed to cry? You can’t monopolize the bathroom crying space.” — Jess
:::finds Nick crying in the men’s room:::

“I hate your pant suit and I wish there were ribbons on it or something to make it slightly cuter.” — Jess

“My checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch.” — Jess

:::Schmidt gets accidentally naked:::
“What shape is that supposed to be shaved into?” — Cece
“I think he’s trying to force perspective.” — Jess
“You are Jewish.” — Cece
You’re making me gayer.”  — Sadie

“Boyfriend, that’s so lame. You’re totally going carry my books home from school.” — Julie
“I will if you wear my Leatherman Jacket.” — Nick
“It’s a Letterman Jacket.” — Julie

“Who washes a tower? A towel washes me!” — Nick

“What am I going to do? Wash a shower net? Wash a bar of soap?” — Nick

TV: HBO Renews Luck For Second Season

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With just the pilot reaching the general public (and with disappointing ratings at that), HBO has already renewed David Milch’s Luck for a second season. It’s welcome news for me, as I thought the first episode, directed by Michael Mann, had plenty of intrigue and smarts and not to mention an all-star cast that features Dustin Hoffman, Nick Nolte, and Dennis Farina. The series focuses on the intermingling stories of owners, jockeys, and gamblers around the horse-racing track. In a statement, president of HBO Programming Michael Lomboardo said:

“We couldn’t be more thrilled with the critical response to this beautiful piece of work, and we are very excited about where David and Michael plan to take these incredible characters.”

The ten-episode season 2 is scheduled to air in January 2013.

FILM: The Cold Light of Day — Trailer

Is it just me or Bruce Willis is the new Samuel L. Jackson these days? Because he is in everything! From the new Expandables to the new G.I. Joe to this spring action thriller, the guy seems to really need a paycheck. Not to mention they are in fact developing Die Hard 5. In The Cold Light of Day, he plays second fiddle to Henry Cavill (Man of Steel). The story centers around a young American who uncovers a conspiracy during his attempt to save his family who was kidnapped while vacationing in Spain. The film opens April 6th.

FILM: Return — Trailer

In a film that is giving Linda Cardellini (Freaks and Geeks, ER) plenty of critical acclaim, she plays a soldier who returns to her family, friends, and old job after a tour of duty. But after her return, she finds herself struggling to find her place in her everyday life. It sounds like those awkward five minutes of The Hurt Locker, when Sgt. James is sifting through the grocery store, except those five minutes are expanded to a full-length movie. Return also stars Michael Shannon and John Slattery. The film opens April 6.

TV: Saturday Night Live Loses Paul Brittain

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Entertainment Weekly is reporting that cast member Paul Brittain will leave the show, effective immediately. Most commonly known for his impression of James Franco, Brittain was one of the more underutilized cast members on the show that’s dominated by Hader and Wigg and Thompson. A source close to the magazine said Brittain had the opportunity to pursue other projects and he parted the show amicably.

TV: Watch the First 3 Minutes of The Walking Dead Mid-Season Premiere

The post’s title says it all. Episode 8 “Nebraska” will air February 12th.

TV: Louis CK and Spike Feresten to Write Comedy Pilot for CBS

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CBS, the  network where comedy sells out its soul for huge ratings, is getting a boost from two of the finest writers/comedians, forming an incredible funny-man duo. Louis C.K. is considered by some as one of the best if not the best modern day stand-up comic and has an incredibly popular show on FX (Louie). Meanwhile, Spike Feresten’s resume ain’t too shabby either, writing episodes for Seinfeld (“Soup Nazi”) and The Simpsons, for example. Together, their project should be comedic gold…unless they sold out their souls to CBS as well. rt

FILM: God Bless America — Red Band Trailer

Bobcat Goldthwait is probably best known for his crazed character in the Police Academy series, but in recent years, he’s focused his talents behind the camera. And as someone who has only watched his 2009 dark comedy World’s Greatest Dad starring Robin Williams, I have to say he’s got a surprising amount of talent. World’s Greatest Dad was easily one of the better films a few years ago, using a mix of shocking humor and coming-of-age life lessons. And by the looks of this trailer for his latest film, God Bless America, that trend will continue. The film stars Joel Murray as a man who gets diagnosed with brain cancer and goes on a killing spree on that Kardashian-MTV-Chelsea Handler bloc of America…you know the ones that we all jokingly say should die? It’s an incredibly interesting premise and has the potential to be a surprise hit in independent circles. God Bless America opens May 11.

FILM: Brake Trailer

This is LITERALLY the exact same story as Rodrigo Cortes’ Buried starring Ryan Reynolds. And while good, it didn’t make a lot of money. How will the same movie with a lower budget and Stephen Dorff (Somewhere) do? Not so well, I would assume. Nonetheless, it should seem like an apt thriller. But there has to be plagiarism police somewhere, right?

Brake stars Dorff as a Secret Service agent who wakes up trapped in the trunk of a car. We soon realize that terrorists have held him there to extract information. The film releases March 23rd.

TV: True Blood Season 5 Trailer

One day…two trailers from HBO. First, Game of Thrones and now True Blood. Except this one won’t exactly get you gushing. It’s just a bunch of blood-colored letters on the screen. But if you’re a fan, just know that we’re only a few months away. Check out the trailer below.

TV: Game of Thrones Season 2 Trailer

I’m incredibly ashamed to say that I have not watched Game of Thrones Season 1 just of yet. But critics and friends that I trust say that I must watch it before Season 2 starts. And with this new trailer, I certainly have enough motivation to get caught up real soon. The second season will premiere April 1st at 9pm.

FILM: What If David Fincher Directed The Dark Knight Rises?

Christopher Nolan has been known to never really use credits to open his film like most other directors, instead preferring to jump straight into the action right after the WB logo. But what if David Fincher, the acclaimed filmmaker of The Social Network and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, took the helm on the Batman franchise. Here’s an incredible fan video of the opening credits (set to Trent Reznor music, of course!) if Fincher was at the helm.

Embedding is not allowed, so visit the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOvx_gxbPfw

FILM: The Grey Review (***1/2)

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The Grey may have the blandest title in recent movie history, but the film itself is anything but dull or sapless. Led by Liam Neeson (the new king of better-than-expected January films), this survivalist tale between man and nature is captivating, thoughtful, and probably the most pleasant surprise to hit theaters in months.

The film follows an oil drilling team whose plane crashes in the Alaskan wild. With only seven survivors,  Ottway (Neeson) leads the group out of the wilderness while a pack of wolves hunt the humans one by one. It’s a little bit like Into the Wild meets Taken, except the European kidnappers are now ruthless dogs that don’t have a penchant for young women.

It’s not all man vs. animal fist fights as the trailer might have you believe, however. Much of what elevates The Grey beyond your run-of-the-mill thriller are the lofty goals by filmmaker Joe Carnahan. Using flashbacks to the survivors’ past ala Lost or The Tree of Life, The Grey acts as an existential exercise between fate and choice, God and man, man and animal. It doesn’t answer many of those questions, but it’s a nice twist for what would otherwise be the same old, tired and banal survivalist movie.

Thanks to cinematographer Masanobu Takayanagi, the film is also breathtakingly beautiful. He embraces the magnificent glory of Alaska’s rivers and mountains without dumbing down its naturally harsh essence. Tied in with Marc Streitenfeld’s haunting music, The Grey keeps you engrossed from the start…a hard feat for a movie that essentially has a bunch of guys running around in the snow. Fortunately, Carnahan makes it more than that and Neeson has his usual Irish charisma to pull off that vision.

FILM: A Man on a Ledge Review (*1/2)

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January never disappoints when it comes to spouting out forgettable movies. Less than 12 hours after watching Man on a Ledge, I can barely remember what A Man on a Ledge was about outside of a man…well, being on a ledge. What I do recall? I gasped a few times, my palms were sweaty, and I left the theater not completely loathing my experience. And when it comes to January film expectations, that’s all I can sadly ask for.

The film follows Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington), an ex-cop who stages a suicide attempt as a diversion for his brother pull off a diamond heist and prove Cassidy’s innocence. A little convoluted for its own good, Man on a Ledge tries to be a mix between Spike Lee’s Inside Man and F Gary Gray’s The Negotiator without the sleek direction, original plot, or capable acting. No matter how many times Hollywood tries to throw Worthington in our face (Terminator Salvation, Avatar, Clash of the Titans), he does not have the charisma to hold our attention; he personifies bland as the new decade’s Paul Walker, only with an Australian accent.

The plot itself remains oddly confusing and predictable all at once, with the twists coming from a mile away. Random plot devices like a homeless man saving the day seem straight out of an Adam Sandler movie. But no one’s laughing…intentionally. The action sequences are a rehash of the Mission Impossible series with one little caveat. None of them are actually spies, so where did they get all those expensive gadgets and learn those Navy Seal techniques? Call me when you know.

If you can forgive Ledge for all its plot holes and a blah of a leading man, you will have two hours of pure escapism. It’s unmistakably laughable throughout, but it also does build that old school B-movie style of suspense. And for the moviegoer who has had a rough week at work and just need a film where they don’t have to think, Man on a Ledge may be the perfect prescription. For the rest of us, save some money and watch Jersey Shore.

FILM: 2012 Oscar Nominee Guide

TV: Unsupervised 1.2 “Rich Girl” Best Lines

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Unsupervised 1.2 “Rich Girl” (**1/2) — The boys try to solve their money problems by getting a rich guy for Gary’s mom.

“Why is everybody watching them shows? They’re just a bunch of fake-tittied white women dressed up throwing birthday parties for each other fighting over somebody bringing the wrong kind of shrimp.” — Darius

“I ain’t addicted to no damn food. The Jenkins are big people. We can’t help this shit.” — Darius

“Nurture your freaking body with sunshine instead of polluting your body with chemicals, you freaking idiot!” — Joel
“Okay, Joel! It’s cool. I got it.” — Gary
“It’s just that when people don’t love sunshine, I get freaked out, man. It gives love to everything, you know.” — Joel

“They say divorces mutilates children’s emotions.” — Gary
“I know. I hate my life.” — Allie

“This bathroom’s huge! It’s got two sinks!” — Gary
“This fridge has got a robot inside of it. It makes its own ice!” — Joel

“I brush my teeth with milk sometimes to get vitamins. But they still hurt.” — Joel

“What do you think? This is New York City? Broadway Avenue with hot babies all over the place? It’s not easy.” — Martin

“Moms caught me watching one of them NC-17 joints, right? Took away my TV privileges for a month. What am I supposed to do now? This is why I’m turning to drugs.” — Darius

“Have you been chewing rope?” — Dr. Clark

“I took a bunch of nighttime headache medicine.” — Carol
“Why would you do that?” — Gary
“I don’t know. We ran out of daytime.” — Carol

“That doesn’t look like your dad. That mouth looks like an asshole.” — Carol
“Well I’m not a very good artist.” — Gary

“Your hair looks like George Washington’s. It’s out of control!” — Gary

“I will go downtown and never come up.” — Martin

TV: Archer 3.5 “El Contador” Best Lines

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Archer 3.5 “El Contador” (***) — ISIS is thrown into chaos when Malory decides to implement a strict drug policy.

“Yup that’s me. Mr. Selfish.” — Ray
“More like Miss.” — Malory

“Cyril is utterly, laughably unqualified to be a field agent. Some offense” — Lana
“Some taken.” — Cyril

“If you were in my tax bracket, you wouldn’t be spouting such socialist propaganda.” — Malory
“Or wearing such shitty clothes.” — Archer

“Ms. Archer said dress for the tropics.” — Cyril
“Tropics of Busch Gardens?” — Archer

“What’s a click?” — Cyril

“You’re looking for the predator, aren’t you?” — Archer

“Look on the bright side.” — Archer
“Which is.” — Lana
“Which is what?” — Archer
“What’s the bright side?” — Lana
“O. It’s a figure of speech.” — Archer

“It tastes worse than it smells.” — Ray
“Man. If I had a nickel for every time a guy said that, I’d have 8 nickels!” — Pam

“I only had a second so I thought ‘What would Lana do?'” — Cyril
“Not Archer?” — Archer

“I was just mocking this giant nigres and her sissy sidekick.” — Cyril

“After seeing a tiger get murdered? I mean thanks, but I’m really not in the mood. I mean, if you really want, I can watch while you masturbate. But I can tell you right now, my heart will not be in it. It will be with that tiger’s family. Go ahead. I mean. Start.” — Archer

“I gotta tell you. Confidence is pretty damn sexy.” — Lana
“Really?” — Cyril
“Theoretically.” — Lana

“Eat a dick, jungle. Cover it with malaria and leeches, spread it with some degayly fever, and eat it a big goddamn jungly dick.” — Archer

“And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner?” — Malory
“O shit.” — Lana

:::Pam running through naked:::
“O god. I wish I was still blind.” — Cyril

“Did you hear we met a tiger?! But…he got murdered.” — Archer

TV: The Big Bang Theory 5.14 “The Beta Test Initiation” Best Lines

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The Big Bang Theory 5.14 “The Beta Test Initiation” (***) — Leonard and Penny experiment with dating and their new relationship. Raj develops a rather peculiar relationship with his phone’s virtual assistant.

“In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning question. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears the most on flags? What animal appears the second most on flags? And more.” — Sheldon

“Sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?” — Leonard
“O I’ve tried it.” — Penny

“Like a beta test?” — Penny
“Technically, this would be an alpha test. A beta test would involve people who weren’t…” — Leonard
“Seriously! Do I not get credit for ‘beta test’?” — Penny

“Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development strategies.” — Leonard

“You can peel the plastic. What’s your hurry, cowboy? Savor the moment.” — Raj

“For someone who has a machine that can travel to anywhere in time and place, Dr. Who sure has a thing for modern day London.” — Amy

“We’re not counting this as a date, are we?” — Penny
“I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure the right answer here is no.” — Leonard

“Why don’t women like me?” — Raj
“Let me check on that. Should I search ‘Why don’t women like me’? — Siri
“No need. I’ve already done that.” — Raj

“I’m sorry Bawwy. I don’t understand ‘weccomend a westaurant.” — Siri

“What should we put Siri in for dinner? Leopard? Sparkes? Or to paraphrase Coco Chanel, you can never go wrong with a little black case.” — Raj

“I can’t believe I bought my soulmate at Glendale Galleria.” — Raj

“Thank you for hiding my Star Wars socks at the emergency room.” — Leonard

TV: 30 Rock 6.4 “The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell” Best Lines

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30 Rock 6.4 “The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell” (***) — Liz and Jenna break up from their friendships only to realize they need each other more than ever. Meanwhile, Jack considers ending the page program.

:::Martin Luther King Day Trailer:::

“The greatest power of all? The ability to gestate life?” — Liz
“Of course, Lemon. That’s why the President is always a new mom.” — Jack

“He always scratches the part of my back I can’t reach. Unless…that’s the business. Now who’s the boss, winter dryness?” — Liz

“You just bought Kareem Abdul Jabaar’s bones and he’s not even dead.” — Dot Com

“If PETA doesn’t love you or hate you, then you’re a nobody. Like a soldier or a teacher.” — Jenna

“With my fecalist in jail, I can eat whatever I want.” — Jenna

“If you get four [bloomin’ onions], you get a T-shirt. So if we eat one more, you get two T-shirts.” — Liz

“The bad news is I’m shutting down the page program. The good news is for a different group of people.” — Jack

“The back of your neck does look weird.” — Liz
“Why would you say that? You know I can’t see it.” — Jenna

“Of course I didn’t forget our businessversary. I sent you a gift.” — Jack
“O yea? Was it invisible?!” — Hank

“Someone is to blame and I will find him or most likely, her.” — Jack

“I’d like to bite his finger.” — Charlie from Charlie bit my finger

“Shut up! That’s horrible!” — Liz to Sex & the City girls

“Quiet! Mankind is trying to tweet about these clowns in Congress.” — Mankind

“They say people who kill themselves never regret it.” — Tracy

“I need someone who doesn’t listen to a word I say.” — Liz
“Thanks! I just got it cut.” — Jenna

“I was wrong. I do need you.” — Jack
“You had me at ‘I was wrong. I do need.'” — Kenneth

“Dump, sir! Dump all over me!” — Kenneth

“Blame it on an albino! Classic because it works!” — Hank

TV: Parks and Recreation 4.13 “Bowling for Votes” Best Lines

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Parks and Recreation 4.13 “Bowling for Votes” (****) — Leslie and Ben want to host a casual bowling party for her campaign.

“I can’t tell you many times a fun tug-of-war with a dog over a chew toy turned contentious. One of us always wound up mad.” — Leslie

“It’s Sunday night. I’m making phone calls to strangers. And you’re in my house, Jerry. My night couldn’t be any worse.” — April

“Hahaha. Why are we laughing?” — Andy

“Try to stand the way you normally stand.” — Ann
“I forget now.” — Leslie

“I don’t care about that prize. But I want to win because I want his happiness to go away.” — April

“Straight down the middle. No hook. No spin. No fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.” — Ron

“Son! People can see you!” — Ron

“I’ll just say hi to him, shake his hand, buy a few beers, share a few laughs, bowl a few frames, lose intentionally to make him feel good, friend him on Facebook, and by the end of the night, he will be mine.” — Leslie

“Tom, I’m asking you as a man to stop this immediately.” — Ron
“Boom!” — Tom
“What the fuck!” — Ron

“Mira mira mira! It’s like whatever you want, it’s like 10 dolla, don’t matta.” — April

“Millie is going to break up with Chris.” — Jerry
“O my god! That’s going to be super weird when they move in together.” — Andy

“Hey Ron! Were you trying to get a 7? Because if you were, you did a really good job.” — Tom

“Are you a female bird.” — Ann

“Hey Leslie, I’d like to introduce you to my good friend…anyone else.” — Ben
“Not now Ben. I’d like to introduce Derek’s ass to my foot.” — Leslie

“$20? Thank you! We’re looking more for donations in the $10,000 range.” — Andy

“I wished for his happiness to go away. I might be a wizard.” — April

“King Kong’s got nothing on me!!! Ow, my fingie still hurts.” — Tom

“My campaign manager and I made out a lot afterwards…I probably shouldn’t have said that.” — Leslie