TV: How I Met Your Mother 8.1 “Pre-Nup” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 8.2 “Pre-Nup” (***) — After a summer of love, the gang goes through their first break -up in the fall after the idea of a pre-nup is brought up.

“The summer of 2012 was the summer of love. Barney and Quinn. Me and Victoria. Robin and Nick. Lily, Marshall and Marvin. Everyone was happy as can be. Which means there absolutely no good stories. Let’s skip ahead.” — Ted

“First of all. If you have an onion bagel, you don’t need scallion cream cheese.” — Barney

“I even lost out with the kids. Full custody! I got full custody of the kids!” — Barney’s co-worker
“Your kids are horrible.” — Barney

“Can you believe that? He wants me to sign a pre-nup!” — Quinn
“Can you believe that? She wants to read it!” — Barney

“You named lady parts?” — Ted
“Everyone does.” — Marshall
“So Lily?” — Ted
“Snap. Crackle. Pop.” — Marshall

“I was hormonal and suddenly, this primal protective mother voice came out of me. Actually, it was two voices and I seriously think one was coming from my vagina.” — Lily

“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it takes 42 inches to keep you satisfied.” — Nick

“I get turned on by myself doing news during sex.” — Robin

“It’s here to protect you…from being unappealing to me.” — Barney

“In the event of divorce, Ms. Garvey should get full custody of Mr. Stinson’s suits? Why? Would you do with them?” — Barney
“Nothing. I’d just sit around and watch them go out of style.” — Quinn
“That’s sick!” — Barney

TV: How I Met Your Mother 8.1 “Farhampton” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 8.1 “Farhampton” (***1/2) — A little ways down the road, Ted tells the story of the moments after Victoria left her husband at the altar. Meanwhile, it is revealed to Quinn that Barney used to date Robin.

“I’d have a better time at home. It’s corn flower blue! It’s corn flower blue!” — Ted

“Got it! Man! That sonofabitch have been in there since breakfast. Robin 1, Poppy Seed 0.” — Robin

“Would you guys be my bridesmaids?” — Quinn
“We’d be honored!” — Marshall

“When you leave someone at the altar, you leave a note. It’s common courtesy!” — Ted

“I’ll tell you everything. The whole story.” — Barney
“Fine. You have one minute before I walk through that door.” — Quinn
“Uh, it’s a long story. Gonna take a little longer than a minute.” — Barney
“52 seconds.” — Quinn
“Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said ‘Oh yeah. You know she likes it dirty’ but Ted really liked her so we played ‘Have you met Ted?’ They went to dinner, he walked her home, should’ve kissed her. Didn’t. Lame. So he stole a smurf penis, went back to her place. Should’ve kissed her. Didn’t. Lame. He threw parties. They kissed on the roof. But decided to be friends. Lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding. She couldn’t go. He went alone. Met Victoria. Didn’t kiss her either. Lame. Not a great closer, Ted. But he finally kissed her. They started dating. She went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin. Lost Victoria. Ted did a rain dance. Got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up. Robin moved to Brazil. Came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous. Got a tramp stamp. Not really relevant to the story. I just like mentioning that as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin.  Ted and I stopped being friends. Ted got hit by a bus. We made up. Robin and I started dating. I got fat. Her hair fell out. We broke up. Robin dated Don. I dated Nora. Cheated on her with Robin. I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin, but not for long. Then I met you and you took my grandpa’s watch, but I fell in love with you anyway. And you let me fart in front of you. And I asked you to marry me. And you said yes. And you came over here and that’s everything. Also, I went on Price is Right and I won a dune buggy.” — Barney

“She let you fart in front of her?” — Lily

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.23/7.24 “The Magician’s Code” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.23/7.24 “The Magician’s Code” (**) — Lily is in labor while Marshall and Barney desperately try to return from Atlantic City. Ted, with the help of Robin, begin to call back an old flame.

“A man. A woman. And their best friend embark on an incredible journey. Lily’s cervix is dilating and we want you all to be part of the grand opening!’ — Ted

“Stop it! I’m not a farm animal, but give me that sugar cube?” — Lily

“Daddy, I’m scared.” — Lily
“You should be. I researched this. You could bleed to death. You could have your jaw removed due to infection. And the anesthesia could suddenly stop working, much like your mom and my marriage.” — Mickey

“Your Uncle Marshall has faced many challenges in his life, but he still considers getting up these two steps when he was this drunk to be the hardest one of all.” — Marshall

“I remember that suit. He used to look like a kid’s imaginary friend.” — Lily

“He said this bus was full of hot, college seniors. Okay. Maybe he didn’t say hot. Or college.” — Barney

“Come with me if you want to bang.” — Barney

“Sometimes, the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times, it sends Lily’s dad.” — Ted

“The middle name is…wait for it.” — Marshall
“What is it? I can’t wait.” — Lily
“No. It’s wait for it.” — Marshall
“That is the coolest middle name of all time!” — Lily

“At your age, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, Marv.” — Robin

“Victoria was great.” — Ted
“Exactly. And you threw it all away for a hot piece of ass.” — Robin
“You mean, you?” — Ted
“Thank you.” — Robin

“If I stole a scalpel and cut you open, all I would find is a scared, trembling pile of crap.” — Robin
“See. I missed these talks.” — Ted

“I forbid you to use your overhead camera that zooms in on whoever is the loudest.” — Quinn
“Noooooooooooooo.” — Barney

“I make compositions. Robin makes excuses. Click. Photo burn.” — Ted

“Tell us what’s in the box right now.” — Airport security
“I can’t. Magician’s code.” — Barney

“That’s Barney’s version. Quinn’s version said it was a simple card trick. Who can tell which version was true? Quinn’s. Quinn’s version was true.” — Ted

“I dropped Cuervo on Marv’s soft spot.” — Lily

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.22 “Good Crazy” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.22 “Good Crazy” (**) — Ted tries to get over Robin, but all Ted sees is her everywhere he goes. Lily deals with Marshall’s obsession with preparing for the baby. Barney begins to have qualms about his girlfriend being a stripper.

“Whoa. She got you the red stroller? It looks like I just blue her out of the water.” — Ted

“You guys keep fighting all you want. As long as the expensive gifts keep coming.” — Lily

“If they knew how difficult it is…the jealousy, the insecurity, those high fives would be high fives of condolence.” — Barney

“I’m laying low.” — Ted
“Laying low as in you’re dating really short chicks? You guys doing a 39?” — Barney

“I scoured the dating sites using my own personal logarithms, factoring a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable, high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success of rate of 8…” — Barney
“You picked the girls that showed the most boobs.” — Ted
“My methods get results!” — Barney

“Mommy’s back from the bar! Now, I can finally take a shower.” — Marshall

“It’s like you don’t even know you’re pregnant.” — Marshall

“Does that dragon tail go all the way down to its…oooh! Yeah, it does!” — Robin

“What is an executive strategy coordinator?” — Quinn
“It’s three corporate sounding words, which when added together, equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck in the amount of what you’d make stripping. Plus dental.” — Barney

“What did you do to the practice baby? And is there any left?” — Marshall, talking to Ted who is eating watermelon

“Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?” — Marshall
“Bro…” — Barney

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.21 “Now We’re Even” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.21 “Now We’re Even” (**1/2) — Barney tries to lure Ted into going out every night. Lily has a naughty dream.

“For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a roommate. But then it hit me. For the first time in my life. I didn’t have a roommate!” — Ted

“Sitting around watching TV, drinking beer, and eating ribs alone is what every red-blooded American would rather be doing at all times.” — Ted
“But don’t you rather share that…? I mean, don’t you get lonely…? Yeah, that sounds pretty great.” — Mitchell

“I’ll tell you the best thing about dating a stripper. Getting to say ‘Hey, I’m dating a stripper.” — Barney

“Monogomy-o-my.” — Lily

“I’ve spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.” — Barney
“That movie came out two years ago.” — Marshall
“What movie?” — Barney

“Last night, you ate a box of fruit loops in your tighty whiteys.” — Marshall
“No. I demolished a box of fruit loops fully nude.” — Ted

“You sleep cheated. You sleep-sleeping around.” — Marshall

“Tonight is going to be legend-T?he night We Stole A Camel — which means it will be full of drama. dramadery.” — Barney

“I took off my pantyhose and I gave her panties my hose.” — Barney

“Hey dad. You proud of your little girl? Okay. I’ll keep trying.” — Robin

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.20 “Trilogy Time” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.20 “Trilogy Time” (**1/2) — Barney and Quinn are living together, but neither of them feel comfortable farting in the presence of each other. Barney goes out his building each evening at the same time, stops and smiles, prompting his across-the-street neighbor to being wondering what his is up to. Meanwhile, Ted and Marshall reminisce how they established a tradition of every three years watching the original Star Wars trilogy and predict what their lives will be like in another three years.

“That’s why I’ve never thrown anything out for any relationship ever. Isn’t that right, honey? O that’s right. I’m alone.” — Robin

“How do you feel after spending all day working on your arts as I work enough to support us both…financially?” — Marshall
“Horny.” — Lily

“I manage at Structure.” — Marshall
“Yeah, but you get 10% off vests.” — Ted

“President Dean Calmly Addresses the Nation.” — 2006 Newspaper Headline

“I’m KFC baby. You don’t mess with the colonel’s recipe.” — Barney

“Barney don’t slip no sloppy seconds. Especially his own.” — Barney

“Back boobs. The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggstyle. Patent pending. Wasssaaaa…” — Barney

“In 2012, I’ll be 34. If it still hasn’t happened to me by then, something is seriously wrong with me.” — Ted, laughing

“I got married to that douchey guy with the trucker hat. Turns out I just didn’t want to commit to you. And I got back boobs.” — Robin

:::Barney Farts::: (P.S…Farting still makes me fart)

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7:19 “The Broath” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7:19 “The Broath” (***) — The gang tries to split up Barney and Quinn after they hear about plans of them moving in together. Ted and Robin fight over who gets to sublet the apartment.

“Put on your brobe.” — Barney
“”Yeah. I’m not putting on the brobe.” — Ted
” Ted? Just…just…okay?” — Barney

“Baby, you’re like 20 slutty chicks all rolled up into one.” — Marshall
“Sweet talk is not going to change my mind.” — Lily

“Hey, let’s play a game! Craziest sex in public story. I’ll start.” — Marshall

“What do you care about more — protecting your friend from getting hurt or scoring this girl’s apartment?” — Lily
“There’s a working fireplace!” — Ted
“Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong!” — Robin

“Don’t say that whore’s name in front of our baby.” — Lily

“And they he banged a hundred chicks and invented a salad. True story.” — Barney

“Fine I’ll fill her in and I’m so angry. I’m not even going to make a joke about filling her in, which I did three times last night. Self five!” — Barney

“That was intense.” — Lily
“Ahem…” — Marshall, hoping for Quinntense

“I promise not to interfere with his personal life again unless it’s an issue of health, national security, or he’s about to get up on a fatty.” — Barney asks friends to repeat vow

“And now the gentlemen….and now the gentlemen.” — Barney
:::Marshall and Ted kiss:::
“I was going to say ‘and now the gentlemen bump fists.’ How long you two been holding back that one?” — Barney

“It’s going to be legend…I’m not waiting for it anymore!” — Barney

“If you ever wanted to hang up the old G-string, I’d understand.” — Barney

“My kids are going to love my stories. They’re going to love my stories!” — Ted

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.18 “Karma” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.18 “Karma” (***) — Barney tries to get Quinn to date him even after learning of her profession. Robin visits Marshall and Lily in Long Island after moving out of Ted’s apartment.

“Why do I have to be so sensitive?” — Ted at the strip club

“You don’t hear me prattling on about how beautiful her smile is, how her hair is like a waterfall of honey-colored silk, how her eyes are like the warn South Sea kissed by the fire and gold of sunrise. I don’t even know what she looks like.” — Barney

“When did I become such a gooey romantic?” — Barney at the strip club

“You shouldn’t have come to East Meadow, Long Island, Robin if you didn’t want to be entertained.” — Marshall

“Great bowler, that Shirley. She hit 280 the other day.” — Lily
“Unfortunately, that was on her bathroom scale.” — Marshall

“Just for that, you’re not getting any.” — Ted
“I’m not getting any? You’re the one smoking your own meat. Ho!” — Robin

“Quinn is someone i might want to get serious with, not just pretend to be a judge help her four year old clinch Little Miss Biloxi. Tiffany’s mom really wanted that tiara.” — Barney

“I’m sorry. I don’t date customers.” — Quinn
“What about destiny?” — Barney
“I hear she’s over at the Melon Patch now.” — Quinn

“We have a lot in common. Both of our jobs are mainly financed by drunk Asian businessmen.” — Barney

“It is Day 4 on this island, which the natives have dubbed Long Island, perhaps referencing how each hour here feels like it may never end.” — Robin

“I like smoking meat, but now I’ve got a new passion: wood.” — Ted
“You hear these things that come out of your mouth, right?” — Robin

“Maybe we’ll have our date here…in the champagne room.” — Quinn to another customer
“That was our spot.” — Barney

“This place wouldn’t seem so bad if we got one of our friends to move out here.” — Lily
“Aw guys….aw. I would rather set myself on fire.” — Robin

“Do you have time to sit with me?” — Quinn
“I don’t know. You’re wearing my watch.” — Barney

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.17 “No Pressure” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.17 “No Pressure” (***1/2) — Ted and Robin deal with the aftermath of Ted’s confession. Meanwhile, Barney searches for a sex tape in Marshall and Lily’s apartment. Comedically, I’m not sure HIMYM is ever really that funny anymore. But as a heart tug in the tear jerky sort of way, some of these episodes are pure gold.

“I know this is a lot to process. So, no pressure here. Just, what do you think? You know what? You’re exhausted. It’s late. Let’s just go to sleep. Good night.” — Ted

“I go camping in secret.” — Ted

“Ted really needs to work on his boundaries.” — Lily
“Guys seriously.” — Barney
“Why are you in our bed?” — Lily

“A platonic friend thing? Let me ask you something. Would you do that for me? You probably would’ve. You’re such a good friend.” — Marshall

“While I’m gone, don’t go snooping around in our stuff. I know you think we have a sex tape hidden somewhere. So I’ll save you the trouble. We don’t. Goodbye.” — Lily
“:::Muffled::: We have a sex tape somewhere. :::Muffled:::” — Lily according to Barney

“Barney hits on your everyday.” — Ted
“He just wants to bang me. I want something real.” — Lily

“Make the in no way creepy grand romantic gesture that we all know Robin loves. Aww.” — Lily

“Making money off this bet makes me feel…” — Marshall
“More alive than you’ve felt in years?” — Lily
“Yea!!!” — Marshall
“New hobby!” — Lily

“Ted and Stella are getting engaged. Pay up.” — Lily
“Not yet.” — Marshall
“We are driving to the wedding. Pay up.” — Lily
“Not yet.” — Marshall
“We are  at the wedding. Pay up.” — Lily
“Not yet.” — Marshall
“Dammit.” — Lily

“Barney, you’ve really grown up, you know that?” — Ted
“Thanks. Now let’s watch our two best friends have sex on tape.” — Barney
“I’ll make popcorn.” — Ted

“Do you really want to hear me say…” :::goat noise::: — Marshall

“Barney, that was my VCR.” — Ted
“Ted. It was a VCR.” — Barney

“When a door closes, well…you know the rest.” — Barney

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.16 “The Drunk Train” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.16 “The Drunk Train” (***) — Lily and Marshall invite Robin and Kevin on a weekend getaway to Vermont. Barney and Ted take a ride on the Long Island Railroad, aka…The Drunk Train. I loved this episode if only just because I’ve taken the drunk train way too many times in the past few years.

“It’s hard for the little guy to perform under pressure.” — Marshall
“Top 10 things Marshall said during his wedding night.” — Barney
“It’s small, but I think I feel something.” — Kevin
“Top 10 things Lily said during her wedding night.” — Robin
“Stop laughing at it, Lily.” — Marshall
“Top 10 things Lily said during her wedding night.” — Everyone

“I’d be giving up a sure thing here.” — Barney
“Hey!” — Girl at the bar
“Are you not a sure thing?” — Barney
“I am…” — Girl at the bar

“Goat cheese, fascinating. What else are you allergic to?” — Ted

“I’m going to close my eyes till it’s all over.” — Robin
“Top 10 things Lily said during her wedding night.” — Kevin

“Can you hear it’s inspiring chant, Ted? I think I can get laid. I think I can get laid. It’s the little engine with wood. The Whorient Express. The Long Island Tailroad.” — Barney
“I got one. Thomas the Spank Engine.” — Ted
“Ted, that is a children’s book.” — Barney

“She said I could never love anything, but I love this train.” — Barney

“Last week, I went out with a girl whose favorite band was Glee.” — Ted

“This night will be epic, wait for it, dary. How do I usually say it?” — Barney

“What do you do?” — LIRR girl #1
“I teach architecture.” — Ted
“Oh, bing bang with a job. You think you’re better than me?” — LIRR girl #2
“Where do you live?” — LIRR girl #2
“I live on the Upper West Side.” — Ted
“Oh, big man, living in Manhattan. You think you’re better than me.” — LIRR girl #2
“Hey…” — Ted
“You think you’re better than me?” — LIRR girl #3

“I was about to get into some sweet world play about algorithms and getting into rhythm with my log.” — Barney

“If the top speed of the drunk train is 73 miles per hour and you factor in 32 boobs, 28 of which are motor boatable, and you divide that…no no no. This is all wrong!” — Barney

“I was all do I look like I’m from Ronkonkoma?” — Barney

“You slept with her?” — Ted
“I know. I’m late on sending the pictures, but I’ve been swamped.” — Barney

“I don’t even care where we go, but I hate doing it on the ground.” — LIRR girls #4 and #5

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.15 “The Burning Beekeeper” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.15 “The Burning Beekeeper” (*1/2) — Marshall and Lily throw a housewarming party, but things soon go awry. This episode was a cute, little play on time and space…but it ultimately failed for me. I left an “aww” line at the end for good measure, though.

“I believe it was Sun Tzu who said ‘Never give up. Never surrender’.” — Ted
“Shut up, Ted.” — Lily
“Okay.” — Ted

“For God’s sake, Lily. You’re pregnant.” — Barney
:::chugs his wine:::
“For God’s sake, Ted. Lily’s pregnant.” — Barney
:::chugs his wine:::

“I love my penis, Robin. I do. I love it. If I could kiss it, I would. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t lie.” — Barney

“Every penis is a girl, Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships and lake monsters.” — Barney

“Four dollars a box and you’re out of thin mints?!” — Robin

“The bees escaped their enclosure. No reason to BE concerned. No there is, we’re in big trouble.” — Mickey

“High school was a tough time for me. That girl was muscular. Muscles like Popeye.” — Ted

“It’s like Sun Tzu said…”Never give up. Never surrender.” — Robin
“That was Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest.” — Ted

“I know you got that cheese on the Internet. Why is that impressive. You know what you can get on the Internet? Zoos animals masturbating. There’s one of a walrus…” — Barney

“I think it’s nice you’re such a badass.” — Ted
“I think you’re a badass cause you’re so nice.” — Robin

TV: Top 10 Episodes (January 16 — January 22)

I watch a lot of television. And here are my favorite ones of this past week.

10. Unsupervised — This new animated series from FX is as expected, raunchy and not safe for work. But with the lovable leads (voiced by Justin Long and David Hornsby), this is like Superbad with Beavis/Butthead graphics.

9. How I Met Your Mother — This show gives us the run-around over and over again. This episode was no different. But we can’t break up with them. Why not? We’ve fallen in love too hard for its characters. Well, not Ted. He’s still an asshole.

8. Archer — I didn’t realize how much I missed Archer until it re-entered my life with its Season 3 premiere. Burt Reynolds guest stars in this week’s episode. And honestly, there hasn’t been a better match. Of course he’s been Archer’s role model growing up. Of course.

7. Happy Endings — This may be one of the best shows that no one is watching and not enough people are talking about. Happy Endings is incredibly charming. And with all the talk of How I Met Your Mother being this decade’s Friends, we’ve found a much more apt replacement.

6. Grey’s Anatomy — First, the bad. Adele Webber needs to stop showing up randomly, infecting her crazy to these episodes. There is absolutely no point to her character except to remind us that “o yeah, Chief Webber has a tough time at home”. Who cares? She’s annoying. But the great. The aftermath of the Teddy-Christina-Owen-Henry has the potential to carry this show straight through to the finale.

5. The Office — Believe it or not, the most popular comedy is starting to regain its traction. In this week’s “Pool Party,” the show is starting to hits a nice niche of a popcorn-style collaborative makeup of comedy. Almost every character got a great line to further their character development. O yeah, and it was actually funny this week.

4. New Girl — The greatest part of New Girl is how cute and adorable and charming and lovable all these main characters are. Everyone wants to hang out with Jess and Nick and Winston and Schmidt. O, especially Schmidt. I’m smitten. Most of us are too.

3. 30 Rock — O how I missed you. The show has layer upon layer of comedic gold. From inside jokes like Tracy Morgan’s and Jordan’s off-season racist remarks to a wonderful James Marsden cameo, it’s hard to find any fault in 30 Rock.

2. Parks and Recreation — Ron Swanson was again incredible here. Crush for male viewers? Check. Rob Lowe was also here. Crush for female viewers? Check. And Paul Rudd guest starred. Everyone’s head exploded.

1. Modern Familiy — This show is perfection. But you already knew that.

***I am desperately, desperately trying to catch up on some other shows that would probably be in the running for the top 10 — Justified/Parenthood/The Good Wife/Shameless/Californication/Southland

***There are several shows that are no longer on my DVR. Why? Because they suck and you should give up on them as well. Here’s a sampling of what’s NOT on my radar — Reality Television/Glee/Once Upon a Time/Revenge/A Gifted Man/2 Broke Girls/Two and a Half Men/Rob/Private Practice/Whitney. 

***If you have a must-see episode for me to watch, drop me a line.

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.14 “46 Minutes” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.14 “46 Minutes” (***) — Lily’s overbearing father refuses to move out of their house in the suburbs. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang attempt to move on from the new Long Islanders by partying in the town.

“Something terrible happend.” — Lily
“What happened? Are they in the hospital?” — Kevin
“No. somthing much worse.” — Barney
“Long Island!” — Mitchell

“Long Island? I don’t understand. You can get spray tans here.” — Barney

“Barney is the new leader of the gang, and life just got really awesome!” — Barney singing theme song

“I am sick of you two wallowing in sadness instead of doing the healthy thing and pretending anyone who leaves you never existed in the first place.” — Barney

“Let’s declare our independence with an on-the-peen-dance.” — Barney

“Early in any relationship, there’s a phase where you don’t say ‘no’ to anything. Because you want to seem interesting, adventurous, and open-minded. But I call it ‘early relationship chicken’.” — Old Ted

“Tonight is going to be legend…wait, ‘are we sure it’s alright to go to a strip club’ shut up Lily, I’m in charge now…dary!” — Barney

“Lot of great memories here. Mostly discovering my body.” — Mickey

“There’s no need to miss something when you can replace it with something better.” — Barney

“When they serve alcohol at a strip club, you’re not allowed to show your vagina.” — Barney

“This is weird. I’ll just look her in the eyes.” — Kevin
“Is he falling in love with her?” — Robin

“We built chip city! We built chip city on all your…” — Ted

“We go to party in slaughterhouse. You come?” — New Lily
“Please God no!” — Robin
“Don’t let me be in charge of the gang anymore.” — Barney
“I can’t believe Dr. Kevin doesn’t remember me from our sessions three years ago.” — New Marshall
“Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?” — Kevin
“We’ve got to hit that party! I’ll never find love. We’ve got to hit that party!” — Ted

“I feel so good. I hate doing things and going anywhere!” — Kevin
“New experiences suck!” — Robin

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.13 “Tailgate” Best Lines

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How I Met Your Mother 7.13 “Tailgate” (***) — Marshall carries on a tailgating tradition left by his father. As he reminisces at his dad’s burial site, he tells the story of Lily attempting to tell her dad of her pregnancy, Robin trying to reign in Sandy Rivers, and Ted & Barney’s second attempt to open a bar. Don’t judge the episode based on the dearth of “best lines”. This was a solid, cutesy 22-minutes the way How I Met Your Mother knows how to do best. Ted & Barney inject the humorous breaks, but it’s actually a rewash of a previous episode. For the most part, it is more about Marshall and Lily’s progression from one father’s death and another father’s apparent lack of care.

“A bar where no one is overcharged, where everyone feels valued and respected.” — Ted
“A bar where we get chicks drunk…and bang them!” — Barney
“We’re opening Puzzles tonight!” — Ted and Barney

“This VIP room has a maximum occupancy of two people, including me. So inny…and the rest of you may go.” — Ted

TV: How I Met Your Mother 7.11 “The Rebound Girl” Review (**)

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How I Met Your Mother has a gift for frustrating its fans (yours truly included). Just when you think they’re close to making real progress on its story progression, they take a step back. But just when you think they’ve stalled, they throw a tear-jerker or a bombshell when you least expect it. Without spoiling the ending, simply expect one or the other. Whatever, you won’t see it coming anyway.

“The Rebound Girl,” unfortunately doesn’t have any new keen observation on life and its relationships ala “Rabbit or Duck” or “Hooked.” Instead, the episode appears to another mediocre 22-minute time killer till we get to the next major plot twist. Marshall and Lily lean towards moving out of Manhattan and into Long Island, only to find heavy resistance from Robin. Ted and Barney, meanwhile are commiserating over their single lives and consider become straight bro-parents together.

Outside of a fantastic (and perfectly nerdy) Ernie Hudson cameo, the Marshall-Lily storyline felt unnecessary and unfunny. The brunt of the comedic genius laid at the chemistry between Ted and Barney. It was particularly amusing to see Barney, the player (aka Neil Patrick Harris, the gay man), wonder about how great being homosexual would be. And while the baby as a prop was nowhere as funny as it should have been, it was a nice stand-in for the “rebound girl,” or the episode’s title. Wise enough not to go the expected route of Barney and Ted meeting another crazed single girl of New York, the writers broke the monotony.

The most disappointing aspect of the episode was how the episode’s subplots were wrapped up — Where did the baby come from? How will Barney and Ted deal with their loneliness? Are Marshall and Lily moving to Long Island? After all that, we get a cleanly-wrapped cheesy Full-House-style ending. Disappointment. That is…until the next 30 seconds. And while it certainly didn’t save the episode’s overall product, it makes this episode necessary viewing for any HIMYM fan.

Now, we know who the real rebound girl is.